Go
by Brandywine421
Summary: Language & disturbing subject matter to follow. Is Ryan really settling into his new life?
1. One

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything related with the OC. 

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AN: Just something I started working on to fight my writer's block. I have a long holiday coming up and my goal is to finish all the unfinished stuff. Please don't throw things at me, I have no control over my imagination, I just write what it tells me to. 

"…Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe  
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me  
Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didn't know  
Somehow I need you to go…"  
--Linkin Park

Ryan's English teacher pauses as she is passing out papers. She taps her fingers on the desk and he glances up at her. 

"Can I see you after class?"

Ryan nods and then lowers his eyes again. He flips over the paper on his desk. No grade, just a 'see me' comments. Doesn't usually bode well for him. He's been in school here for over a month now and he finally feels like he's catching up. He's actually excelling in his classes according to his probation officer that keeps detailed records of his academic records. The bell rings for class and Ryan waits until the classroom clears out to approach the desk.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Ryan. Yes. Sit down," She smiles. Ryan glances at the door for a second and sees Seth standing outside, giving him a concerned expression.

"Am I in trouble?"

"No, Ryan. I wanted to talk to you about your personal essay…if you notice, I didn't grade it."

"I noticed. Do I need to do it over?" Ryan asks.

"I want you to consider submitting it to a journal that publishes…" She stops speaking, seeing his surprise. "You are doing exemplary work, Ryan."

"Thank you, Ms. Thomas…" Ryan says.

"This is your best work so far and you deserve to be recognized. I need your permission to submit this but if it's published, it will be a great addition to your transcript."

Ryan is silent. The teachers are accustomed to his quiet demeanor by now. He doesn't participate in class but when called on, he always has an articulate response.

"I'll give you some time to think about it. I've spoken with Dr. Kim about your progress and she also encourages you to submit your work. She would like to meet with you to discuss your class schedule when you have a chance…"

"My schedule?" Ryan asks, confused.

"She should be talking with you some time tomorrow. She'll explain everything then. I'll look forward to hearing from you," She smiles. Ryan glances back at the door and sees that Marissa and Summer have joined Seth by the door.

"Okay. I'll think about it." Ryan makes a quick exit.

"What's up? You flunk a test or something?" Summer asks.

"Something," Ryan mutters.

"What's going on?" Seth asks.

"Nothing important," Ryan shrugs. "I'm not in trouble or anything. She just wanted to talk to me about my essay."

"Bad grade?" Marissa asks, linking arms with him as they walk through the halls of the school. They are finally accepted as a couple in Newport and they don't get as many long stares as they used to. 

"Nah. It was nothing."

***** 

That night, Ryan is studying in the pool house when Sandy approaches, knocking softly. Ryan nods and he enters.

"So. How's everything?"

"Fine."

"Marissa?"

"She's good."

"What about school?"

"It's okay," Ryan shrugs. "What's going on?"

Sandy seems concerned. He sits down on the couch. "I was hoping you'd tell me."

"What are you talking about?" Ryan asks, confused. 

"Dr. Kim called my office this afternoon. She told me about your essay."

"It's no big deal…" Ryan starts.

"It is a big deal. Your professor thinks that it has a good chance of being published. Dr. Kim said that you didn't give your teacher an answer."

Ryan shrugs. "It's a paper. I mean, it's not a big deal."

Sandy regards Ryan curiously. "Ryan. I had no idea until Dr. Kim called how well you are doing in school."

"It's school," Ryan states. 

"This really doesn't matter to you? This is going to affect the rest of your life, Ryan," Sandy says. Ryan lowers his eyes. "What?"

"If you want me to do it, then I'll do it," Ryan replies quietly.

Sandy sighs. "I want you to do it because you want to better yourself, not because I'm telling you to do it. What?" He asks, catching a flash of something in Ryan's eyes. He has learned that Ryan doesn't usually speak without prompting but that his eyes display the boy's hidden emotions.

Ryan shakes his head. 

"Ryan, tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong. I just…why is school such a big deal? I mean, yeah, you can learn lots of shit, but…it's not important," Ryan says, finally.

"It is important, Ryan…"

"It's important for people like you…" Ryan starts, but stops immediately. He sighs. "Look. I'm trying. But this…this isn't my life. It will never be my life."

Sandy is startled. "Explain that, Ryan."

Ryan doesn't meet the older man's gaze. 

"Ryan. You're a part of this family…"

"Mr. Cohen…" Ryan sighs, interrupting. He is clearly emotional but doesn't speak again.

"Come on, Ryan. I know you're capable of speech," Sandy starts.

Ryan glances at him. "Why did you take me in? You think you see yourself in me? I mean, Mrs. Cohen doesn't want me here, Seth, he was just lonely. And you think I'm like you. But I'm not. You got where you are today by yourself. You worked your ass off to get out of a bad situation. There's nothing special about me, Mr. Cohen…"

"You're wrong," Sandy replies quietly. "Everyone sees it but you."

Ryan shrugs. "I don't see it. I'm sorry. So I'm glad to be here, I appreciate everything that you're doing for me but…" He glances at him. "But I'm not deluding myself that this is going to last."

Sandy has paled at Ryan's admission. "Ryan, nothing is going to jeopardize your place in this family…"

"That's what you say, Mr. Cohen, but the fact is…you don't know me. You don't know anything about me. If you did, I wouldn't be here," Ryan replies quietly.

Sandy is silent.

"God…I'm not good at this whole talking thing…" Ryan says, putting a hand to his face. "It's just…"

"Ryan. I don't know how I can make you feel like you belong here. You had 16 years without us but we're here now. Give us a chance. Give yourself a chance. You can get out of this rut…"

Ryan stares at the floor.

"You have a chance to make a life for yourself…" Sandy starts. "You have to take advantage of this."

Ryan nods.

"I'd like to take a look at your essay, Ryan."

Ryan reaches beside him and pulls the essay out of his notebook. He hands it to Sandy.

"Ryan." Sandy looks at him for a long beat. Ryan finally meets his gaze. "This is a good thing. This is an opportunity that you shouldn't miss."

"Okay," Ryan says quietly.

Sandy sighs. He takes the paper and leaves. 


	2. Two

***** 

Later that night, Kirsten finds Sandy in the den, studying Ryan's essay.

"What's going on?"

"I'm reading Ryan's essay. It's good, Kirsten. It's like…beyond college level work."

"Well, I guess you were right about him, Sandy, he's a very bright boy."

Sandy puts an arm around her. "His teacher wants to have it published."

"Really? That's great…why do you look upset about this?"

"Ryan didn't even mention it. I had a talk with him earlier. This doesn't mean anything to him. He said…he said a lot of things…" Sandy mutters.

"That doesn't sound like Ryan," Kirsten responds. "What did he say?"

"I'm just worried about him. Have you had a chance to talk to him lately?"

Kirsten hesitates. "I see him at dinner…"

"He says that he doesn't belong here. He says it's only a matter of time before this is over for him. He said…he asked why we took him in."

"What did you say?"

"He said it along with some other things. He said that I wanted him here because I see myself in him. He said Seth wants him here because he's lonely. And he said that you didn't want him here at all."

Kirsten gasps. "Why would he think that?"

"I don't know. But you could see it in his eyes…he believes it. He really doesn't think that he should be here. He doesn't think school is going to help him at all. But, Kirsten…this essay is amazing."

"God…should I go talk to him?"

"Let's give him some time to think about what I've said. Dr. Kim, when she called today, she said that she is setting up a meeting with him to rearrange his schedule. He's doing so well in his classes that she thinks that he should be in higher level classes," Sandy explains.

"Really? He's doing that well?"

"She said that every one of his professors has contacted her about his success. Every teacher, Kirsten. At the Harbor School…it's just…I don't know how we could have missed this," Sandy admits. 

***** 

"What's up with you, Ryan?" Marissa asks the next morning. She is curled up beside him in the poolhouse. Both are dressed and ready for school. They are lying on his freshly made bed with their arms around each other.

"What? Nothing. I'm just thinking," Ryan replies. She comes by some mornings and wakes him with her kiss. She always has to go home and this is the only way that they get to spend the mornings together. 

"You're always thinking," Marissa responds. "But you won't tell me what you're thinking about."

Marissa and Ryan have been through a lot together and have settled into a tentative yet comfortable relationship. Marissa is very happy with their sexual relationship. Ryan is a very attentive lover and he always seems to make her scream his name. But he doesn't talk to her. He doesn't talk during sex or afterwards, tending to shut down and hold her silently. He rarely tells her anything, preferring to listen to her and focus on her issues. The few arguments they have had are because of his inability to open up. The only person that can get through his emotional walls is Seth and Marissa is extremely jealous of their relationship.

Ryan doesn't reply, sitting up.

"Are you ever going to talk to me?" Marissa asks.

"About what?" Ryan replies blankly.

"About anything!" Marissa retorts, letting his apathetic tone anger her. 

"What do you want me to say, Marissa?" Ryan asks, his voice flat.He hates arguing but when provoked, doesn't raise his voice. 

Marissa stands up, incensed but taking advantage of the opportunity to speak her mind. "I want you to tell me why you won't look at me when we make love! I want you to tell me why you cry out in your sleep! I want you to tell me anything, Ryan!"

Ryan doesn't meet her gaze.

"God! You're like a robot!" Marissa says, frustrated.

"Then why do you bother?" Ryan asks suddenly. "Why do you bother with me if I'm such a robot?"

"Because…because…god, Ryan, I love you…" Marissa gasps.

"You don't even know me, Marissa…you don't know anything about me…how can you say you love me? Because I make you feel good?" Ryan's voice is low as he stands up and moves beside her, taking her hands in his. "Tell me one thing that you know about me that makes you love me…" For once, his blue eyes are unshielded and pleading. 

She can see the emotion in his eyes and wants desperately to give him an answer…but she is speechless. "Ryan…"

He releases her hands with an indifferent shrug, stepping away. All emotion is gone from his face. "Let's just stop."

"What?" She asks, confused.

"Let's just stop this. I can't please you, I can't be what you need me to be," Ryan mutters. 

"Why are you doing this? I just want you to talk to me…"

"You want me to talk to you, you want me to tell you all my deepest secrets and you can't even tell me why you care about me…" Ryan replies, taking several steps away from Marissa as she reaches out for him.

"Ryan, please, just calm down."

"I am calm. I'm always calm. Have I ever hurt you?" He asks suddenly, his voice dangerously quiet. 

"What? Ryan, of course not…"

"Don't give me that chance. Let's just stop," Ryan won't meet her eyes. 

"No. I won't let you do this. Not after all we've…" Marissa starts, stricken.  
"Sex is nothing, Marissa. It doesn't mean anything…" 

"You think I'm talking about sex? Ryan, you stood by me when I almost died! You helped me quit drinking and you've…you're my best friend…I've told you everything about me! You're willing to just throw all that away because I want to know more about you? Because I care about you?" Marissa asks, starting to cry at the thought of losing him. 

"It's not throwing it away, Marissa…there's nothing to throw away…" Ryan replies, refusing to meet her eyes. She reaches for him but he takes more steps back.

"You know that's not true. You care about me. I know you do, I just don't know why you're doing this…" Marissa replies.

"Let's just stop," Ryan whispers.

"I won't. I can't. This is too important to me. You're too important to me. I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me what's wrong with you…" Marissa starts.

"There's nothing wrong with me. I just can't be with you. Not anymore. It's not fair…"

"What's not fair?" Marissa asks, confused.

"I can't be with you. You deserve…you deserve better. Let's just stop. Before it gets too hard…"

Marissa shakes her head at him, confused and devastated. "I don't understand, Ryan…"

"I thought I could do this, I thought I could be what you needed…" Ryan says, looking at her with haunted eyes. "But I can't."

Seth knocks on the pool house door, waving with a smile, oblivious.

Marissa doesn't know what else to say so she grabs her bag and leaves, shaking her head at Seth as she walks past him.

"Damn, it's a little early for drama, isn't it?" Seth asks. 

"It's never too early for drama," Ryan mutters, sitting down on his bed.

"You want to talk about it? What am I saying, of course not. What happened?"

Ryan shakes his head, not answering. 

"Are you and Marissa okay?"

"It's done. It's over. And that's all I have to say," Ryan says. Seth is stricken. Ryan grabs his backpack and goes to the door. "Are you ready?"

"Dude…" Seth starts.

"I don't want to talk about it. It's for the best. If you don't know anything you won't have to lie to Marissa, okay? Just leave it alone." Ryan sighs. He walks out of the pool house, leaving Seth stunned.

***** 

Ryan meets with Dr. Kim during lunch. He sits down in the chair across from her, his hair curtaining his eyes. 

"Ryan. It's nice to see you again."

He nods solemnly.

"Ms. Thomas says that you've agreed to let her submit your essay…" Dr. Kim smiles, approvingly. 

Ryan nods again. "My attorney gives me good advice," He states. Dr. Kim continues smiling at her interpretation of a joke.

"I want to discuss your class schedule…"

"I haven't missed any classes…" He begins.

"This is not a disciplinary meeting, Ryan," She replies immediately. "Entirely the opposite."

Ryan is confused but doesn't speak. 

"I've spoken with your teachers and they all agree that you're too advanced to be in their classes…"

"Too advanced? What exactly does that mean?" Ryan asks slowly.

"Your placement test placed you in classes that aren't fulfilling your potential. We agree that you should be placed in a more advanced set of classes so you'll be on the same level as peers of your intelligence," Dr. Kim explains.

"Okay."

She is surprised. "You…you don't have more questions?"

"Should I ask more questions? I mean…I'll do whatever you think is best," He says, shrugging. 

Dr. Kim is startled by his unquestioning acceptance. "Well, you'll be free to choose what classes…"

"Since it's your decision that I'm too smart for the ones I'm taking now, why don't you make the decision of what classes I'll be not smart enough for. I trust your judgment," He replies. "I wouldn't know what's best for me."

Dr. Kim doesn't reply immediately, pondering his response. 

"Dr. Kim?" He calls.

"I'll arrange a meeting with Kirsten and Sandy and we'll decide later this week."

Ryan nods. 

"Don't you have any preferences at all? Are there any classes that you enjoy more than others?"

Ryan doesn't reply but acknowledges her by meeting her gaze. "No. I 'enjoy' them all equally."

"Okay, Ryan. I'll notify you of the meeting time," She sighs.

"Thank you," He mumbles, leaving quickly. 


	3. Three

AN: Okay. Ambivalent about posting this, but I got so many reviews so I'll post what I got. I'm totally unsure about where this is going after some interesting and thought-provoking input from _Iceworm_, but I figured I should at least post this to see if it works. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and read! 

***** 

__

"…I've got scratches all over my arms

One for each day since I fell apart…

_--Pearl Jam_

Ryan has a soccer match after the game. They win, thanks to the impressive teamwork between Ryan and Luke. The two boys are friends now, avoiding the subject of Marissa but bonding over sports and their mutual classes. Ryan is walking behind Luke as they shake hands with the losing team. One of the boys mutters something to Ryan as he walks by and Ryan meets the boy's gaze. He recognizes him vaguely from a fight back in Chino years ago over a girl whose name he can't recall.

"You're a little out of place aren't you, punk?" The boy mutters. Luke glances back as Ryan pauses. 

"Excuse me?" Ryan asks, his voice low.

"You heard me…" He hisses. Something flashes in the boy's brown eyes.

Ryan lunges, pinning the boy against the ground, punching him angrily. He can't see for his rage and his vision goes dark as he is pulled off the smaller boy. Somehow, the fight has turned into a brawl, his teammates too blinded by their win to realize that they didn't know what they were fighting about. It only takes Ryan a second to realize that being separated from the boy is a bad idea as several rival players invade his sight. 

***** 

"What the hell…" Seth and Anna turn around from the line filing out of the bleachers to see the commotion on the field. 

Coaches, teachers and various adults are joining the fray, pulling the struggling players apart. 

"Do you see Ryan?" Anna asks.

"No, but knowing his luck, he's on the bottom…" Seth mutters, following some other kids onto the field. Anna holds onto him by his belt loop and sticks behind him as he hurries toward the battle. 

Luke staggers out of the mass of people, pulling an unconscious Ryan with him by his ripped shirt. Seth helps him, noting the blood soaking Ryan's shirt. His nose is bleeding and his lip is busted, but that doesn't explain the amount of blood.

"What the hell is all this?" Anna asks Luke as Seth goes to his knees beside Luke. Luke is slapping Ryan's abused face, trying to get a reaction.

"One of those fucking kids said something to Ryan and he just…he just snapped…" Luke replies, quiet. Ryan murmurs something and Seth shakes him.

Ryan slowly opens his eyes. "Shit…"

"Did anybody see it?" Anna asks Luke, thinking of Ryan's probation.

"I don't think so," Luke replies.

The visiting coach yells into a bullhorn for his team to follow him immediately or risk prosecution. Newport's coach then yells for his team to report to the locker room immediately. 

"Ryan, are you okay?" Seth asks.

"Yeah…I mean, I'm fine but your parents are going to kick my ass…" Ryan says, sitting up. His blue eyes are clouded and dark.

"Why are you bleeding so much? Where's the blood coming from?" Anna asks, concerned.

Ryan winces, trying vainly to pull away as Anna leans between Seth and Luke, pulling up his shirt. His pale skin is sticky with blood but they can all see the jagged gash across his chest and abdomen 

"Shit…" Luke gasps as Anna releases his shirt. The coach stands over them suddenly.

"Seth, get Atwood home so he can get patched up. I want him in my office before school tomorrow," The coach instructs, shaking his head in dismay as he passes them. "Ward, you can go with them…"

"You better tell me what the hell is going on right now, Ryan…" Seth says, his voice shaking with worry. 

Ryan shakes off their hands suddenly, defensive. "It's nothing…help me up…" Luke obeys, too stunned to do anything else. 

"That is definitely not nothing," Anna says quietly. "Somebody cut you up."

"Ryan…" Seth stammers, still on his knees on the field. Ryan pulls him up by his arm.

"Let's go."

"Is this why you broke up with Marissa? So she wouldn't see? So she wouldn't ask questions?"

"Seth." Ryan meets his gaze steadily and Seth stops talking. They don't need words to communicate. 

"You broke up with Marissa?" Luke asks slowly. "What's going on?"

"Thanks for everything, guys, but we're leaving. Now." Seth leads Ryan away from Anna and Luke toward the car. 

"Seth! Call me!" Anna yells. He waves at her absently.

"I thought we told each other stuff, Ryan…"

"We do…but there's some things that you just don't talk about…" Ryan mutters, leaning against the Range Rover.

"Man, I always have your back, you know that, right?" Seth asks, standing in front of him. Ryan nods. "What's going on with you? What was up with that fight back there? Who cut you up?"

"Can we just go home?"

"Uh, no," Seth replies. 

Ryan regards him with clear blue eyes. "If it was anyone else, I'd tell them to go to hell." He's silent for a long moment before sliding to the ground, his back leaned against the Range Rover. "You're the only person…you're the only person I've let myself trust in years…"

"Then tell me, Ryan."

Ryan covers his face and shudders, startling Seth. 

"Ryan?"

"There's something wrong with me…something genetic…something that can't be fixed…" Ryan murmurs. "And being here…living like this…it's too much for me…"

Seth pulls him to his feet, unlocking the door. Ryan gets inside. Seth climbs into the drivers seat. Ryan slumps against the window, his eyes closed. 

"Who cut you?"

Ryan doesn't reply.

"Ryan. Please," Seth asks.

"I can't tell you," Ryan whispers.

"Why?"

"Because. I can't explain it."

"You have to try, Ryan. This is…I can't deal with this if I don't know what's going on…you said you trust me…"

"I do…I trust you, but this…this is a mistake…you shouldn't have seen it…" Ryan's eyes are slightly glazed and his voice is dripping with emotion. 

"Please, Ryan."

"I did it."

Seth barely hears the words. "What? Ryan…"

"I said that I did it."

Seth doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't understand.

"Sometimes…sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode…it's like my skin can't hold in everything…I just go numb…I can't feel…I can't breathe…it's hell…so…so…sometimes this happens…I have to…" Ryan's words are a burst of whispers.

"You have to cut yourself?" Seth asks quietly.

"Don't judge me, Seth…I told you that I can't explain…" Ryan murmurs, not reacting. Seth is stopped at a stoplight. 

"Why your chest?" Seth asks suddenly. He reaches out and takes Ryan's wrist and holds it up to the illumination of the streetlights. His arms are peppered with healed scars and fresh slashes. 

"Seth, please…I'm begging you…don't tell Sandy…"

"Don't ask me to lie, Ryan…you…man…you shouldn't be doing this…" Seth replies.

"I have to…I don't know…I thought that if I was here, if I tried…if I did everything I could to be a better man…that something would happen…but I'm still…I'm still nothing. I'm still worthless and now, now you're going to show your Dad that I'm crazy, too…where am I supposed to go, Seth?"

Seth glances at him, worried by his tone. 

"Can you tell me that you'll stop? That you won't do it anymore?"

Ryan closes his eyes, leaning forward and putting his face in his hands. "I…Seth, please…"  
Seth pulls the Range Rover into their driveway. He turns to Ryan, shaking him until Ryan meets his gaze.

"If it was me. If someone was hurting me and I wouldn't talk about it…if you were worried that I was going to die…wouldn't you tell my parents?"

"I'm not going to die…"

"I don't believe you. Marissa swallowed a bottle of painkillers and I didn't do anything to stop it. You have to get help. You have to let me help you."

Ryan tears his eyes away, opening the door. "I can't stop you, Seth."

"But you're never going to forgive me, are you?"

"You're family. You're always forgiven, Seth," Ryan mutters. "I just never thought you'd turn your back on my like all the rest. I thought you'd…"

"Ryan…" 

"Oh my god. What happened? Ryan? Are you okay?" Kirsten's voice is laced with worry as she steps out of the house. She yells for Sandy.

"I'm fine, everything's okay," Ryan mutters, ignoring Seth's worried glance. Ryan turns to Seth as Sandy steps out. "You can tell them whatever you want. I'll be in the pool house." He leaves before anyone can stop him, rushing past Kirsten and Sandy into the house.

"Seth?" Kirsten calls, panicked.

Seth is stricken by Ryan's attitude. He knows that he has to tell his parents but he doesn't want to risk Ryan's trust. He doesn't know what to do.

"Seth, what's going on?" Kirsten demands, holding his arms now. Seth doesn't reply. Sandy has followed Ryan into the house.

"Ryan. Ryan stop."

"No. Let me get cleaned up." 

Ryan's voice stops Sandy cold. There is no emotion, no feeling at all and Sandy knows somehow that something is very wrong.

"I'm coming with you," Sandy states flatly, following him. He catches up to the hurrying boy and puts a hand on his shoulder. Ryan spins around, defensive.

"Don't touch me. Not right now. Let me get cleaned up," Ryan repeats. 

"That can wait. I need you to tell me what happened…Ryan…" Sandy starts again, following him warily as Ryan turns and walks out of the house to the patio. "Ryan, stop and talk to me."

"Talk. All anybody wants to do is talk. Talking doesn't change anything. It's just words. They're just fucking words." Ryan slams the door to the pool house, leaving Sandy stunned.

"Seth. Seth, what's going on?" Kirsten is shaking her son in the driveway. 

"I don't know," Seth replies finally. He embraces his mother, hugging her tightly. "I don't know…"

"Tell me what happened…are you hurt?" Kirsten demands.

"No…I'm fine…but Ryan…Ryan's all fucked up…I don't know what I'm supposed to do…" Seth whispers.

"Tell me…" Kirsten says. 

"Something's wrong…" Seth mutters. He pulls away from his mother. He walks into the house, leaving his mother stunned and worried. 

Ryan feels shattered. He falls to his knees in the bathroom, vomiting. He has to purge his system. He is pulsing with rage. He isn't angry with anyone except himself. Only he could fuck up something as simple as his life with the Cohens. Seth thinks he's crazy. Sandy thinks he doesn't care. And Kirsten…she doesn't care at all. He vomits again. He has to make this stop. He has to get control. He can't let them see him like this. He vomits. 

***** 


	4. Four

__

  
"…I haven't been here long enough to know   
Everytime I feel this I just lose control   
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful   
I wish that this would just go…"

--Staind  
  


Seth ignores his mother's beckoning voice and goes to the pool house.

"What's going on?" Sandy demands, stopping Seth outside the pool house.

"I have to talk to him. Let me talk to him," Seth says to his father. 

"Not until you explain what the hell is going on. Why is Ryan covered in blood, looking like a truck hit him?" Sandy blocks his way.

"Dad. Let me by," Seth says seriously. "I don't have time to argue with you right now."

Kirsten is now beside him. "Everyone just needs to calm down."

"I will not calm down and you will let me by. This is serious. Move." Seth pushes Sandy out of the way and goes into the pool house. Sandy follows him inside, shaking off Kirsten's concerned hand on his arm.

Seth is standing outside the bathroom door, knocking insistently. "Ryan. Ryan, open the door."

They listen to him vomiting through the door but Ryan doesn't reply.

"I need to talk to him. Give me a few minutes to talk to him," Seth says to his parents. "Please. I'll explain everything but you can't be here right now."

Kirsten senses something and pulls Sandy from the pool house.

"Ryan. Please," Seth calls through the door. "Please open the door."

The lock clicks after a long pause. Seth steps inside. Ryan is sitting in the floor of the bathroom with one arm on the toilet. He's deathly pale.

"Talk to me, Ryan," Seth says, sitting down beside him. 

"Why? It's not something you can put into words," Ryan whispers.

"Because I need to understand," Seth says quietly. 

"I can't make you understand." 

"You have to try," Seth replies. "This is too important. This isn't something that I can ignore. You're cutting yourself…you're hurting yourself, Ryan…"

"…It makes it better…"

"What? It makes what better?"

Ryan clenches his fists in frustration. "God, Seth, don't you ever feel…sick…like sick inside? Sometimes…I think I'm going to lose my mind, like there's all this pressure is building up inside and it has to be released…"

"And this helps? Slashing your arms? Your chest?"

"Sometimes," Ryan whispers.

"But it's getting worse, isn't it?" Seth asks.

"I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions…I can't…last night I just couldn't stop myself…it's almost like…god, I'm so fucked up right now…" Ryan murmurs.

"Ryan, you're right, I don't understand…but I have to tell my parents, okay? I have to tell somebody…" Seth says.

In the kitchen, the phone is ringing. Sandy answers it immediately. His face darkens with concern as he listens to the voice talking to him.

"Coach, what exactly are you thinking?"

Kirsten glances up in alarm.

"Okay. Okay. We'll see you then," Sandy sighs. He hangs up the phone.

"What? Was that Ryan's coach? Does he know what happened?"

"There was a brawl after the game tonight. He says that no one's talking about who started it but that Luke came up to him after the game. Said Ryan was bleeding. He has a cut on his chest that didn't come from the fight. The coach says that Ryan's been wearing long sleeves, even to practice…"

"God…I haven't even noticed…why? Who cut him?"

Sandy shakes his head. "I don't know. But the Coach said that Luke was freaked about it. Said that Ryan hasn't been himself lately…The coach wants to meet with him in the morning and he's going to bring it up but he wanted to touch base with us first. He wants to meet with us when we see Dr. Kim about Ryan's schedule."

Seth walks in with Ryan following behind him. Ryan's eyes are lowered and shielded by his hair.

"Seth. Ryan. What's going on?" Kirsten asks, concerned by their expressions as well as the tension between them.

"Tell them, Ryan. Show them," Seth says quietly. Ryan doesn't raise his head. "You promised…"

Ryan doesn't speak but pulls his shirt off and stands shirtless in the kitchen. His arms are scarred and peppered with healing scabs. The gash across his chest is harsh in contrast against his bare chest. 

"Ryan…" Sandy breathes, unsure of what's going on.

Ryan pulls his shirt back on and sits down at the counter, still refusing to meet anyone's eyes.

"He does that to himself. You have to make him stop," Seth states.

Kirsten goes to Ryan and embraces him, desperately. He doesn't respond, his blue eyes glazed and distant. She is crying but Ryan doesn't react at all.

"Seth…when did you find out?" Sandy asks. 

Seth's brown eyes flash angrily. "What does that matter? I found out tonight and I'm coming to you, he's coming to you for help! Stop asking questions…"

"Seth, stop," Ryan mutters. 

"Come on, Ryan. I want to take a closer look at your cuts, okay?" Kirsten's voice is gentle and Ryan follows her obediently into the bathroom.

"My god, Seth…" Sandy says quietly.

"There was this fight at the soccer game tonight and he came out of it soaked in blood. He started that fight. Anna pulled on his shirt and showed me the slash, Dad…I thought somebody was hurting him, I thought that he was in trouble…and he said…he said that he did it…" Seth says, his words jumbled together.

"Thank you, Seth. Thank you for getting him to come to us…" Sandy says.

"He needs help…he needs something…he says that he's not trying to kill himself, but why…why does he do that?" Seth asks. He shakes his head, walking out of the kitchen, affected.

Kirsten gently pulls Ryan's shirt over his head and takes a step back, examining his wounds. She sets the first aid kit on the sink and starts to clean his chest. He is silent.

"Do you want to talk to me about it?"

"What's going to happen to me now?" Ryan whispers.

"Ryan. You need help…" Kirsten starts

"I know. Seth…he's doing what he thinks is best…" Ryan replies.

"Ryan, you're not in trouble…but you know that this is wrong…it's a sign of something deeper…" Kirsten starts.

He doesn't meet her gaze until she shakes him by his shoulders. 

"Ryan. What's going on? Why are you doing this?"

"…I had to do something…something…I feel like I'm coming apart…" Ryan whispers.

"But this…why would you do this?" Kirsten doesn't understand.

"…it…it helps…" Ryan says.

"You're hurting yourself. You're…Ryan, this…this isn't normal…" Kirsten replies, tearfully.

"You know what? I can't do this." Ryan's demeanor changes in an instant. He pulls away from Kirsten and pulls his shirt back on.

"Ryan…"

"I can't. I can't be what everyone needs me to be. I can't…" Ryan rushes from the bathroom.

Sandy is waiting impatiently in the kitchen when Ryan bursts into the room. "Ryan…"

"No. I can't. I can't do this." Ryan walks out of the house into the night. Sandy chases after him but by the time he reaches the street, Ryan is nowhere to be seen. He's gone. 

*****


	5. Five

AN: I'm still on sabbatical but I'm really trying to work on my unfinished stuff. Really. Expect an epilogue on this when I come back alive in a few weeks. Let me know what you think of Jackie. I know that Ryan's got a ways to go to get back to 'normal' but hey, anything's a start. 

***** 

  
_"…And I know that god exists  
because I feel him sometimes  
when she takes up the sheets  
or my telephone lines, but  
when I'm home she says:  
"Baby you're a lie..."  
"You're not really here."  
"You've gone away..."_

--7 Mary 3

Two days later, the Cohens haven't found Ryan. Seth is devastated. He hasn't left his room since his parents told him that Ryan stormed out. He won't eat or come out of his room unless he's using the bathroom or taking a shower. He refuses to go to school. Kirsten won't let Sandy call the police because it will jeopardize Ryan's probation. She has hired private investigators to search for the teenager. 

Seth's cellular phone buzzes. He hasn't been answering it for the past few days, unable to deal with Marissa, Summer, Luke and Anna's constant phone calls asking about Ryan. He glances at the caller ID and doesn't recognize the number. He answers it. "Yeah?"

"Hey," Ryan says quietly.

"Hey," Seth sighs, relieved.

They don't speak. Seth waits for Ryan to say something.

"So. I kind of freaked out," Ryan whispers.

"Yeah. I heard."

"You mad?" Ryan asks.

"God, Ryan…I'm not mad…are you okay?"

"I…I think so. I felt like I was going to explode so…so I ran. I don't know…"

"But you're okay, right?" Seth asks again.

"I don't want to die," Ryan states quietly.

Seth pauses. "Okay, so that's good…"

"I don't know what to do."

"Can I…can I come get you?" Seth asks.

"Are your parents pissed?" Ryan whispers. 

"No. Worried sick. They've got these private investigators looking for you and they're worrying the hell out of me but…they're not pissed, Ryan."

There is a long silence on Ryan's end of the phone.

"Ryan. Let me come get you. Please," Seth pleads.

"Okay. Will you tell your parents that I'm okay?"

"Yeah. Where are you?"

Ryan gives Seth an address in Chino of a bus stop and hangs up. Seth realizes that he is shaking. He dresses and leaves his room, going to the kitchen to find his mother and father picking at a tray of food prepared by Rosa.

"Seth?" Kirsten reads something on her son's face.

"I'm going to get him," Seth says flatly.

"He called you?" Sandy asks quietly.

"Yeah. Said he flipped out. He told me to tell you guys that he's okay."

"Can we come with you to get him?" Kirsten asks. 

Seth hesitates. "I don't know…I don't want to smother him right away, you know? Let me try to bring him home…"

"Is he okay?" Sandy asks.

"He says he's okay. I'll call you if I need you," Seth promises, accepting Kirsten's keys.

***** 

Ryan is smoking a cigarette on a bench when Seth pulls up in the Range Rover. Seth rolls his window down and parks on the curb. "Get in."

Ryan doesn't protest. He climbs into the passenger side of the Rover. He's wearing the same clothes from when he left the Cohen's two days earlier and he looks as if he hasn't slept at all. There are dark bags under his eyes and he is trembling.

"Hey," Seth nods.

"Hey," Ryan replies.

"You don't look so good," Seth says as he pulls away from the curb.

"Thanks," Ryan smiles slightly.

"Hey, at least I'm honest," Seth shrugs.

Ryan covers his face and leans against the window. "I'm sorry, Seth."

Seth hesitates. "What's going on with you, man? You…you kind of melted down on me and I have to admit…I don't know what to do for you…" He admits.

"I'm so fucked up, man…It's like…everything is spiraling out of my control…I finally was doing well at school and they want to fix my schedule to make it harder for me to do anything…and then Marissa…god…"

"Just chill out, Ryan, okay? Relax for just a second." Seth forces himself to be calm. "I had no idea that you were so stressed out…"

"I…everything just got out of control, Seth and I just…I couldn't stop myself…I have to stop," Ryan states quietly.

"So…you're ready to come home?"

"Yeah," He whispers. "Your home…it's time I started thinking of it as my home, too…"

"Yeah, dude. My parents…they're going nuts over this. They want to help you. Will you let them help you?" Seth asks.

Ryan nods. They ride to the Cohen house in silence.

***** 

"You ready for this?" Seth asks as he takes the keys out of the ignition.

"Ready or not, we're here." Ryan takes a deep breath. He steps out of the truck and follows Seth inside. 

Kirsten embraces Ryan immediately, not giving him a chance to speak before crushing him in a hug. "I'm so glad you're back, Ryan."

"I'm sorry…" Ryan whispers before collapsing into sobs. He lets Kirsten lead him into the living room. He continues to cry in her arms. 

***** 

A few hours later, Ryan goes to the pool house and takes a long shower and gets dressed. Kirsten and Sandy spent a lot of time explaining to Ryan that they wanted to help him get better and he had agreed to see a counselor. They were setting things up for him while he got cleaned up. 

He had spent the last two days wandering around Chino, thinking. His mind was spinning with conflicting ideas and feelings and he's exhausted. Finally, he realized that Seth and his family were trying to help him and he needed their help. He was scared. He hadn't been scared in a while but he's scared. 

Ryan sits down on the bed and stares at his shaking hands. In the bathroom, he had spent a long time staring at his scarred body in the mirror before making it to the shower. He can't stop his hands from shaking. It's like his body is rejecting his soul suddenly. He's not comfortable in his own body anymore and in return, his body is shutting down. 

"I brought you some lunch," Seth announces as he steps inside with a tray.

"I can't eat anything," Ryan replies honestly. 

"When's the last time you ate something, dude?" Seth asks.

Ryan hesitates. He can't remember. 

"Don't lie to me. When's the last time you ate something?" Seth repeats.

"I don't know."

"Okay then. We've got soup and sandwiches and a salad that Mom insists you need to eat for iron," Seth says as he sits down beside Ryan on the bed with the tray.

"Seth."

"Yeah?" Seth asks.

"Thanks," Ryan replies.

"I just want you to get well, Ryan. I want you to be okay. I mean…I don't have any experience with this…"

"I know. But you're helping. You're…thanks," Ryan sighs. 

"You're welcome. I heard the 'rents talking and somebody's coming over to the house to talk to you. Like, a counselor. Are you sure you're cool with that?"

"Yeah. I need to talk to somebody, Seth. Somebody that can make some sense of the mess in my head, you know?" Ryan says. He accepts the sandwich Seth holds out for him.

"Well, it helped Marissa. The counselor, I mean…" Seth pauses. "Have you thought about Marissa, Ryan?"

"I should probably call her, right?"

"Yeah. She's been really worried about you," Seth replies.

"You want to hang out while I call her?" Ryan sighs.

Seth nods immediately as Ryan goes to the phone. He dials the number of Marissa's cell phone.

"Hello?" Marissa answers.

"Hey. It's Ryan…"

"Ryan, are you okay?" She asks immediately.

"I'm better. I'm…I'm not okay, though. I…kind of…lost it for a while."

Marissa is quiet. "But you're better?"

"Yeah. I'm back…"

"Seth wouldn't confirm that you'd disappeared but I figured that you'd taken off considering how upset he was. You're back now?"

"Yeah. I…I came home."

"Will you talk to me?"

Ryan pauses. "I'm trying."

She waits.

Ryan sighs. "Things just got out of my control and I panicked. I…I let things get so fucked up that I couldn't fix it…"

"Okay, Ryan…" She interrupts. "I know how that can happen. But you're back now and…"

"I'm sorry, Marissa," Ryan says.

"Me, too. I'm sorry you couldn't talk to me and I'm sorry that I didn't see that you were in trouble…you took such good care of me that I didn't stop to think that you might need me to take care of you a little, too…" She admits.

"It's okay. I'm sorry."

"Can we start over? I mean…I'll wait for you to get better."

"Marissa…" Ryan starts.

"No, Ryan. I mean it. Let me stand by you…let me help you…" She says quietly.

Ryan meets Seth's steady gaze. "I…I'm not really there yet, Marissa."

"Let me be your friend, then. We'll take it slow. All I know is that I don't want you to have to go through this alone. You're not alone. I care about you…Seth cares about you and Sandy and Kirsten care about you. I'm here if you need me," Marissa adds. 

"Thanks, Marissa," Ryan says.

"You're welcome, Ryan. So…if I wanted to come by and see you for myself…can I do that?" Marissa asks.

"Well…can I call you back?"

Marissa hesitates.

"The Cohens have a counselor coming by to talk to me, Marissa and I don't know how long…I don't know where that's going to take me," Ryan sighs.

"Oh. Okay. I'm glad you're okay, Ryan. I'll talk to you later…if you feel like calling me, that is," Marissa replies.

"I'll call you, Marissa. Thanks. Bye," He says, hanging up.

"Not so hard, right?" Seth says, smiling.

"Right. She says that she'll wait for me, Seth. What am I supposed to say to that?"

Seth pauses. "I think you handled it well. As well as I would have handled it. Eat."

Ryan sticks his tongue out at Seth but continues eating his sandwich. 

***** 

"Ryan. This is Dr. Jacobs. She's a family friend," Kirsten says nervously when Seth brings Ryan into the house later that night. 

Ryan nods politely to the well-dressed lady that is sitting in the den with the Cohens. "You must be a good friend to make a house call," Ryan says. 

"Kirsten and I have been friends for years," Dr. Jacobs says. "Do you mind talking to me, Ryan?"

"No. I don't mind," He replies quietly.

"Let's take a walk," She suggests. 

Ryan pauses.

"I promise I don't have the men in white coats with me. I didn't have enough notice," The doctor smiles.

Ryan walks with the lady down the driveway. 

"So, call me Jackie and let me bum a smoke," She says, sitting down on the curb.

"What?" He asks after a beat.

"I work with teenagers all day, I know you smoke. Cough it up, kid."

Ryan passes her a cigarette and she lights it. He lights one of his own. 

"Kirsten would kill me if she caught us," Jackie says. Ryan nods. She waits a long moment. "You really don't talk much. Come on, I'm getting paid for this so make me earn my money. Who are you and when did Kirsten get another kid?" 

"What did Kirsten tell you?" Ryan asks slowly.

"That her son was cutting himself and needed help."

Ryan sighs. "Sandy's my attorney. He got my case when I got busted stealing a car."

"You stole a car?"

"My brother, Trey, he was the…yeah. I stole a car. Sandy gave me his card and when my Mom kicked me out, I called him." He pauses.

"Go ahead, Ryan. I'll pick apart your words later," She urges.

"Okay. So I stayed here and…I ran away and burned down this model home and…" He sighs, unable to listen to himself talk. 

"Your mom, she ditched you and now you live here. Got it. What's happening now?" She asks quietly.

"I'm…I'm losing my shit." He inhales deeply off his cigarette. Jackie watches him carefully, sizing him up. 

Jackie snorts after a long moment. "I need a little more, kid."

He sighs. "So, I've got this sweet life, now, right? Straight A's at this nice school. I'm getting an essay published and I've got the prettiest girl in town all over me and a real family for the first time in my life and…"

"You melted down," She says.

"No. I mean…" He takes a long moment to put his words together. "It's just cutting…it's not…I'm not suicidal but…there was this fight at the soccer game and Seth, he saw my cuts and…" Ryan whispers.

"What'd you do?" Jackie asks. 

"I told him…I mean, it's Seth…I told him and he told me that I should go to his parents…"

"Aren't they your parents now, too?" She asks.

Ryan is quiet. "I don't know. So I ran. But…"

"You came back."

"I don't have anywhere else to go," He whispers. "And I want this to be home."

Jackie nods. 

"So you're going to make me all better?" Ryan asks, looking at her.

She sighs. "There's nothing wrong with you, Ryan. You're maintaining your balance the only way you know how. You cut because it relieves all the pressure you've got inside. The pain, it's probably comforting for you?" Ryan nods slightly and she continues. "It's familiar to you. But it's not…it's not healthy, Ryan. It's not normal. It's not okay."

"I know…but…I don't know what…I don't know how to be…I just don't belong here…I feel like I'm coming apart…" He breathes.

"Why, Ryan? I mean, do you know?" She asks him quietly.

"The longer I stay here…with the Cohens…in this life…the more I feel sick."

"This is your life, Ryan. It shouldn't make you sick," Jackie replies.

Ryan is silent.

"So what are you going to do?" 

Ryan speaks slowly. "I'm going to shake this off and keep moving."

"You're just going to shake this off. Does that work?" She asks.

"Yeah," He answers.

"Where's your mom, Ryan?"

"Gone."

"Dad?"

"Jail," Ryan replies. "My family history could be a 'Cops' clip show."

"But you're…you're not like them."

"I know," Ryan replies. 

"You're a smart kid. I've got that much." She stands up. He offers her another cigarette and she accepts, lighting it. "Why do you think Sandy and Kirsten took you in?"

Ryan pauses. "Sandy thinks…he thinks that I'm like him, like, I'm special or something. And Kirsten…I don't know why she lets me stay…" He answers honestly. "Because of Seth, I guess."

"You don't think she wants you here?" Jackie asks.

"I've never brought anything into her home but trouble. I mean, she's great, she's awesome but I don't expect her to want me," He snorts. "I'm here because I don't have anywhere else to go and they pity me."

"Ryan, I don't know you, but I know Kirsten. She wouldn't have you around if she didn't love you," Jackie says quietly. 

"Seth…he's more of a brother to me than my real one. Kirsten doesn't want to do anything that's going to alienate her from him. He gets what he wants," Ryan mutters.

"Okay, Ryan. I'm here to try and find out why you have to hurt yourself to feel normal. When's the first time you remember doing it? The cutting?"

He doesn't reply.

"Don't shut down on me now, Ryan."

"God…I must have been like…ten or something. I got drunk and thought I wanted to off myself." He pauses, thoughtful at his confession. "But I was shaking so much and I missed my vein completely…but just the sight of blood…it helped. So…when I'd get shaky…I'd just cut a little…and I'd be okay again."

"Do you drink?" She asks.

"Socially. Not…not like my mom or dad. I watch myself," He replies.

"Drugs?"

"I don't drink but you think I do drugs? No. I don't." He is defensive now. 

"Okay, Ryan. I didn't mean to offend you. We were actually talking for a while there." She sits back down beside him. She looks at him.

He sighs. "I don't want to die, Jackie. I don't want to screw this up and I don't know how to fix this. Things have been out of control in my life for months, since I got arrested and now…when stuff seems to be going okay…I have to be able to fix this…"

"Fix what? What are you going to fix, Ryan?" 

Ryan takes a deep breath. He looks at Jackie curiously. "I'm talking to you because the Cohens think you can fix me. Don't get confused about what's going on here. I know that something's wrong with me, I'm not the one that thinks it can be fixed."

"Let's go inside," Jackie says, standing up and offering him a hand. 

He accepts her hand and they walk to the door.

"You look half dead so I'm willing to let you rest for tonight. Will you come and talk to me some more?" 

"Can you help me?"

"Will you let me?" She asks in return. He meets her gaze evenly. 

"I'm trying."

"Good," She smiles, following him inside.

"Jackie! Did you let him smoke?" Kirsten accuses immediately.

***** 

"Ryan. Is it okay if I talk to the Cohens about you? I'd like to take a look at your file," Jackie says once they are inside. 

Ryan shrugs. "I don't have to hang out for all that, do I?"

"You can go lie down, Ryan. Seth's waiting in the pool house with some more food for you," Kirsten says.

"He thinks you're thin," Sandy nods.

"I'm not thin," Ryan replies, smiling slightly.

"You can't tell Seth or Rosa any different," Kirsten insists. Ryan shakes Jackie's hand politely and disappears to the pool house.

Jackie sits down.

"Did he talk to you?" Kirsten asks.

"A little. He's like, emotionally fractured, Kirsten. I mean…I could tell that he was really trying to be honest with me but his face was blank and his eyes were just…controlled. He's a kid with too many years on him."

"Are you a real doctor?" Sandy asks immediately.

"Where'd you get him, guys?" Jackie questions.

"Jackie, it doesn't matter, Ryan's my son, now…" Kirsten starts.

"He doesn't think so. He thinks you tolerate him because he's good with Seth. Ryan is trying so hard to be Seth's hero and Sandy's protegee and your charity case that he can't even tell you that he's breaking down," Jackie says quietly.

"Jackie, what are you talking about? Did he say that?" Sandy asks. 

"No, but that's what I get," She replies quietly. She opens the file that Sandy offers her.

"You think he's breaking down?" Sandy asks.

"If Seth hadn't seen his cuts, I don't think anyone would ever know that he does it. He's good at hiding his emotions."

"Can you help him?" Kirsten asks, tears on her face.

"You guys have to help him, too. He's got huge issues with family…you've done something right though, because he values what you guys think over everything else. He really wants to be a part of your family, but he doesn't think that he's supposed to be here."

"You talked to him ten minutes, Jackie," Sandy says.

"I just want you guys to know that you're going to have to be there for him," She says.

"We are. Anything we can do," Sandy replies.

"Good. He can come by tomorrow, say four o'clock?"

Kirsten walks Jackie to the door.

Sandy embraces Kirsten when she returns. 

"How do I show him that I love him, Sandy? How do we make him better?" Kirsten asks.

"Let's go say goodnight, okay?" Sandy suggests. They knock quietly on the pool house door and Seth waves them inside.

"He's sleeping. Wouldn't eat but he had some juice," Seth whispers. Ryan is asleep, facedown on the bed. Kirsten lays a blanket across him and leads Sandy and Seth back into the main house.

***** 


	6. Six

AN: Just a little update. Everything else is still on hold. 

***** 

Ryan settles back into life with the Cohens. Seth deals with Ryan's breakdown by treating him exactly the same and it seems to work for them. They are still closer than brothers. Sandy and Kirsten take a stronger interest in Ryan's academics after meeting with Dr. Kim. He had accepted the new schedule agreed on by the Cohens and Dr. Kim and seems to be keeping up with his studies. Sandy had been disappointed when Ryan dropped off the soccer team but Ryan's state of mind is more important. Ryan sees Jackie twice a week but rarely discusses his sessions with the Cohens. He is back to normal. He doesn't start dating Marissa again, but she visits almost daily. 

***** 

Kirsten is in the kitchen a few weeks after Ryan's return. She notices lights on in the poolhouse and a telling cloud of smoke from beside it. It's after midnight on a school night so she decides to investigate. 

"Ryan? It's late. What are you doing out here?" She calls.

He doesn't respond immediately. "Honestly?" His voice is hoarse from the shadows.

Kirsten hesitates. "Yeah."

"Smoking," He says, stepping out of the shadow of the pool house. 

She relaxes. "Okay. Is everything okay?" She instinctively puts her arm around him. He doesn't flinch and lets her lead him to the patio. 

"Jackie says I should talk to you guys more," Ryan says slowly.

"Okay…about what?"

Ryan sits down, flipping a lighter nervously in his trembling hands. Kirsten hasn't seen him this unguarded since the night he came back after disappearing. 

"I started smoking when I was nine, Kirsten. When you told me to quit…I don't think I told you, it was like, a six-year habit," He says quietly.

"I should have asked," She acknowledges, surprised.

Ryan is silent. Kirsten gives him a small smile but he just sighs. 

Finally he speaks. "I'm a little shaky."

"Want to talk about it?"

"I don't know why. I guess…things are so calm that I'm just expecting a storm."

"Haven't things been better?"

"Things are great, Kirsten. You and Sandy have been, like, double-nice lately and Seth is still, like, my best friend…"

"But you're still waiting for the storm," Kirsten realizes.

"Am I doing okay?" Ryan asks quietly.

"You're doing great, Ryan. You don't have to prove anything to us…we love you just like you are."

He nods solemnly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"If my mom came back…" He whispers. "Would you make me go with her?"

"I wouldn't make you do anything, Ryan. Sandy and I would…we would try and do what's best for you."

"What's best…" He mutters. "I'd have to go with her if she asked me."

"Ryan, I hate that you're separated from your mother but, I'm glad that you're here with us and not her. It might be selfish, but I hope she doesn't come back," Kirsten says honestly.

He smiles slightly at her. "She's my mom and I have to love her. Unconditionally."

"You can love her, Ryan. But you're old enough now to look out for yourself and…she might not be good for you," Kirsten says slowly.

"She's not good for me," Ryan replies.

"Why would you 'have' to go with her, Ryan?"

"Because she's my mother. I belong to her."

"Ryan, you're a person, not property," Kirsten says slowly.

Ryan glances at her. 

"What?" Kirsten urges. 

"Nothing."

"No, you were going to say something."

"She used to tell me that I belonged to her. She made me and I was bound to her."

"Bound?"

"That way, her problems were my problems. He debts were my debts. I was an extension of her." Ryan pauses. "That's one reason I'm so shaky here. I guess…it's the first time that I'm on my own…like, it's just me."

"Is that wrong?" Kirsten asks.

"It's not wrong, it's just different. I'm used to blending into the background. Stay quiet and invisible and nobody gets hurt. But here, it's like, I'm on display. Everyone wants to know what makes me tick…who I am…but I don't know…" Ryan whispers. "I don't know who I'm supposed to be now…"

"You're Ryan. Ryan Atwood."

"What does that mean to you?" He asks quietly.

"You're smart. Sweet. Loyal. You'll do anything to help your friends…" Kirsten starts immediately. "You're Ryan."

He nods. 

"What does it mean to you, Ryan?"

"I don't know," He replies. 

"You want to come inside?"

"I think I'm just going to lie down. I've got school tomorrow," He sighs.

"Okay. Try and get some sleep, okay?" Kirsten stands up and embraces him, holding him for a long moment. "Really. Sleep, okay?"

"I'll try. Thanks." 

She watches as he returns to the pool house and turns out all the lights. She goes into the main house. 

"What are you doing outside?" Sandy asks, finding her in the kitchen.

"Talking to Ryan. He was out, smoking, and I went to check on him," Kirsten replies.

"Is he okay?" Sandy asks immediately.

"He said he was a little shaky. He talked a little. He asked what would happen to him if his mother came back…if we would make him go with her," Kirsten adds.

"What did you say?" Sandy asks.

"I said that if it ever came to that, that we'd do what was best for him," Kirsten replies. "I didn't know what to say. He said that he would have to go with her if she came because…because he belongs to her."

"He doesn't belong to her, he's not a piece of property," Sandy mutters. "Why did he say that?"

"He said that she told him that he was bound to her," Kirsten replies. "He says he's been smoking since he was nine, Sandy…nine years old and he was smoking."

"He's had a hard life. I can't even imagine what he went through before he came here…" Sandy starts.

"Let's go to bed. We'll talk to him in the morning," Kirsten sighs.

***** 

Sandy and Kirsten are alone in the kitchen the next morning. 

"There must be a reason he's worrying about his mom coming back…" Sandy thinks aloud.

"Maybe he's been talking to Jackie about her…" Kirsten responds. They didn't hear the door from outside until Ryan closes it behind him.

"Hey," Ryan says.

"Morning, Ryan," Kirsten smiles.

"Dawn's been calling me," Ryan states quietly. "I heard you guys talking…"

"She's called you?" Sandy asks.

"I didn't say anything last night because…" Ryan starts.

"It's okay, Ryan, you're telling us now," Kirsten says.

"Ryan, what does she want?" Sandy asks suddenly. 

He sighs, sitting down. "She says she misses me. Says she needs me."

"She needs you? Who?" Seth walks in, dressed for school.

"My mom," Ryan answers indifferently.

"What does she need you for? She ditched you, she should've thought about that before…" Seth mutters. 

"Seth," Sandy scolds.

"Sorry," He apologizes.

"Did she say where she is?" Kirsten asks.

Ryan's face flickers with anger for a moment. "She's at AJ's. Back in Chino."

The kitchen is silent.

"Do you want me to get her to stop calling you?" Sandy asks.

Ryan glances at him. "I don't know…"

"Is she bothering you?" Kirsten asks.

Ryan hesitates, clearly uncomfortable.

"Maybe he needs some time to think about it," Seth offers.

"Okay. That's fine," Sandy says.

"I need to go see her," Ryan says quietly.

"What?" Seth asks first.

"She's just going to keep calling if I don't go see her," Ryan says. "I just need to see her."

"Okay. Let's have breakfast," Kirsten says, trying to break the tension. The Cohens are all shaken by Ryan's final words.

***** 

"Seth." Ryan stops him after school.

"Yeah?" Seth asks, sensing Ryan's veiled emotion.

"I'm going to take a quick ride to Chino," He says.

"Is that a good idea?"

"Probably not. But…I have to go. I'll meet you back at the house later, okay?"

"You don't want me to go with you?"

"No thanks, man. It's just something I need to do."

***** 

Jackie encourages Ryan's visits to his mother after the first trip. Ryan doesn't speak of the visits but Jackie believes that the interaction with Dawn will help him deal with his pent-up issues. Seth realizes that Ryan is becoming quiet again, much like when he melted down the first time. It's been three weeks since his first visit to Dawn when Seth follows him to the poolhouse.

Ryan is sitting on his bed with his hand over his face. 

"Hey. You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Really? Because I don't think I believe you," Seth replies.

Ryan glances at him.

"You feel like talking about it?"

"I feel like all I do is talk," Ryan mutters.

"Okay, but you never really talk about the important stuff, Ryan. Like what's got you all broody again," Seth says slowly.

Seth sits down beside him.

Ryan sighs. "I tried to tell Jackie today…but I couldn't…" He whispers.

"Tell her what?" Seth urges, sensing the importance. Ryan won't meet Seth's gaze. "Come on, man. You can trust me…"

"I have to do something, Seth…and I really don't want to…but I don't know what else to do, you know?" Ryan whispers.

"Bounce it off me, Ryan. I can listen, I promise I won't say anything until you're finished…" Seth offers. 

Ryan is trembling slightly. "Dude, seriously…will you not talk about this? I mean…can I just explain this to you?"

"Sure, Ryan. I'm listening…" Seth says.

"So…I've been going to see my mom…Jackie says it's a good idea, that it's helping me work out my issues and shit…but she doesn't know what happens when I go to see her…she doesn't know my mom and…" Ryan's voice is low and serious. He rolls the sleeve of his shirt back slightly to reveal fresh scars on his arms. Circular scars that could only have been made by a cigarette. 

"Wait, Ryan…wait, just a second. I just want to be clear…" Seth interrupts.

"I didn't do this. Seth. I swear…" Ryan says.

"I believe you, Ryan. Your mom?"

Ryan nods slowly. "She only does it sometimes but…the things she says to me…I don't want to see her anymore, Seth…I don't want to listen to her anymore…"

"You haven't told anyone?"

"I just take it, Seth…I mean…I'm sixteen, I'm not a fucking kid anymore…I let her do this to me…so it's like my fault…" Ryan mutters.

"This isn't your fault, Ryan, she's hurting you…"

"I'm too old for this…" Ryan mutters. "It's ridiculous…"

"Ryan. What are you thinking?" Seth asks.

"I'm thinking that I don't want to see my mother anymore and the only way I can do that is…is to pick a fight with AJ…" Ryan whispers.

"Can't you just stop going to see her?"

"It's not that easy…" Ryan mutters.

"Okay. Let's think about this rationally…" Seth says slowly. "You don't want to see your mother anymore and you don't want to tell my parents about it."

"How do you think this makes me look? Like a pathetic abused kid…" Ryan says quietly. 

"Do you really think that they think of you like that? Because they don't. They want what's best for you and I guarantee that if they knew about this, they would find a way to keep her away from you," Seth says slowly. 

"It was my decision to go see her. If I had taken Sandy up on his offer to keep her from calling me then none of this would have happened…" Ryan murmurs.

"Dude, this isn't your fault, you just wanted to see your mother, you can't help it that she's mean to you. Come on, dude, you know this is wrong."

"I know. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about it…you think I should tell your parents…"

"Yeah. As a sign of trust. You trust me to give you good advice, right?"

Ryan nods slowly. "Yeah. Tell your parents. Don't get into a fight with AJ…even though it would solve the problem without getting anyone else involved…"

"Dude, you could seriously get hurt and that wouldn't be cool for anyone, you know? Why would you challenge him, Ry, if you know he'll hurt you?"

"Ma always puts her boyfriend first. She'll choose AJ over me if it comes down to it…she always has before…I thought I could just get him pissed and then she'd leave me alone…" Ryan sighs. He meets Seth's eyes. "Bad idea, huh?"

"Yeah, I'd say so," Seth smiles slightly. "Do you want to talk to Jackie about it first?"

"I think I'd rather tell your parents and see what they recommend. Trust, right?" Ryan asks. 

"Yeah," Seth smiles. "You want me to come with you while you talk to them?"

"I need to do it alone. Are they in the house?"

"Mom is. Dad's not home yet."

"Maybe if I talk to Kirsten I can keep the legalities out of it. You think she'll freak?"

"Yeah, I think she's definitely going to freak out, but she'll get over it. Go on. I'll wait for you out here."

"Thanks, Seth. I mean it. Thanks for listening…"

"Thanks for talking. I mean, you feel a little better, don't you?"

"Yeah, Seth. I do."

***** 


	7. Seven

AN: Here's a tiny update on this story that won't die. 

***** 

"Kirsten?"

"Hey, Ryan. What's going on?" Kirsten is instantly alert when she hears Ryan's tentative voice. 

"Can I…Can I talk to you?" He asks. His blue eyes are clouded with doubt.

"Sure. Sit down." She is sitting on the couch with a stack of paperwork from the office. She moves the papers aside and Ryan sits down stiffly beside her. "What's going on?"

"Um…okay. I need to talk to you about something. I haven't talked to Jackie about it yet, but I'm sure you're going to call her after I tell you…"

"Ryan?" Kirsten puts her hand gently on Ryan's arm and gasps as he flinches. 

"Look," Ryan sighs before she can respond. He pulls his sleeve up without meeting her gaze. Kirsten gasps again as she gently runs her fingertips across the burns on his inner arm. "I didn't make these…"

"Ryan, how…" She can't form words. She pulls his sleeves up further to examine his arm. "If you didn't do these…"

"It didn't start out like this," He whispers. "She just gets so worried that I'm going to abandon her…she wants to remind me…"

"That you belong to her…" Kirsten realizes. "Your mother, Ryan…is she doing this to you?"

Ryan sighs heavily. "Yes, Kirsten. I don't want to get her in trouble…I mean…she's just doing what she's always done…" Kirsten is still looking at his damaged arm. "And I'm not fighting her…it's easier if I just let her get it over with…but…I'm trying to get on with my life and this…I can't keep letting her do this to me…"

"You're right. You can't. I'm glad you came to me…"

"Seth said it was the best idea…" Ryan admits.

"He's a smart kid…what were you going to do?" Kirsten asks slowly, sensing something.

"You don't want to know…"

"Ryan, honey…I want to help you, okay? But are you going to fight us on this? We've never tried to keep you from seeing your mother but…I'm not going to let you see her anymore, not if she's hurting you…"

"I…I won't fight you. I would like a chance to…to say goodbye to her…I mean…God…this is harder than I thought," Ryan whispers, pulling his arm away and rolling his sleeves back down.

"She's your mother, Ryan. But you're my responsibility now. I won't let her hurt you…" Kirsten starts, overcome with emotion.

"I'm sorry, Kirsten…I shouldn't have told you…I'm sorry…" Ryan starts to get up but she takes his hand and makes him stay seated.

"You won't go see her anymore. Okay, Ryan? Promise me. Right now," She says seriously with tears in her eyes. "Please."

"I…I won't see her anymore…" He whispers. She pulls him into a hug. 

"Thank you for telling me, Ryan…"

"What are you going to do? Tell Sandy so he can rat me out to my Mom?" Ryan whispers.

"I'm going to tell Sandy and then we'll discuss how to proceed. We'll discuss it with you. If Sandy…" Kirsten releases Ryan as she tries to put her sentences together. "We won't do anything until we talk to you."

"Okay," Ryan nods.

"I'm sure Seth's waiting for you. I'm going to call Jackie and tell her what's going on and as soon as Sandy gets home, we'll come out and talk to you, okay?"

"Okay," He agrees. 

"It's going to be okay, Ryan. We'll find a way around this."

***** 

Kirsten calls Jackie while she is waiting for Sandy to get home. Jackie answers immediately.

"Jackie? It's Kirsten…"

"Hey, is Ryan okay?" Jackie asks immediately.

"Did he say anything to you today? About his mother?" Kirsten asks.

"He was very quiet today, even for him. We didn't talk about Dawn today…"

"She's burning him. With cigarettes. He showed me," Kirsten states. Jackie doesn't reply.

"Wow. I had no idea. He's been doing so well that I haven't been checking his arms for damage…she's burning him?" Jackie's voice is laced with concern.

"Yeah. He told Seth and Seth convinced him to tell me. God, Jackie…he was getting better and this…how are we going to convince him to stop seeing her?" Kirsten asks.

"He came to you, Kirsten, he wants help. Focus on that. God, I should've thought about Dawn when he came in today…I've been encouraging him to see her…"

"He promised me that he would stop seeing her but he doesn't want to get her in trouble…god, I just want to throttle that woman!" Kirsten snaps.

"Me, too…can I come over and talk to him?"

"Can you come over and talk to me and Sandy? I promised Ryan that we would discuss whatever action we would take and I'd really like to consult with you on what's going to be the best way to do this. I don't want him seeing her again, and I don't know what he'll do if she begs him…I mean, she's his mother…"

"I'll be there in twenty minutes. Make some coffee, okay? And calm down. Ryan's doing great, we won't let this set him back, okay?" Jackie urges. Kirsten glances up to see Sandy watching her with a concerned expression on his face.

"Okay, Jackie." She hangs up.

"What's going on? Is Ryan okay?" Sandy asks immediately.

"He's fine. Well, not really fine, but…" Kirsten starts. "Jackie's coming."

"Where is he?" Sandy asks.

"He's in the poolhouse with Seth. He's…he told me something tonight, Sandy."

"Something that's got you upset…" Sandy says, embracing his wife. 

"His mother…she's burning him. You should see his arms, Sandy, it's…it's inhuman…"

"Burning him? What do you mean?" Sandy asks slowly.

"With cigarettes…both his arms, Sandy…" Kirsten starts. 

"Are you serious?" Sandy asks, anger building on his face.

"He doesn't want to get his mother in trouble but…" Kirsten starts.

"I'll have her arrested…" Sandy snaps.

"Sandy. Ryan would never forgive you if you put his mother in jail. I promised him that we wouldn't do anything without talking to him…"

"How can he defend her?" Sandy asks.

"She's his mother. God, Sandy…He wasn't even going to come to us…" Kirsten starts.

"I need to talk to him," Sandy says suddenly.

"Maybe we should wait for Jackie, Sandy…" Kirsten suggests.

"No. I want to talk to him about this. I want to see his arms. I want to understand why he's letting his mother hurt him after all she's done to him," Sandy says, his voice low and serious. "I didn't understand why he was cutting himself, but this…I want him to explain it to me."

"Sandy, wait…" Kirsten tries to catch her husband but he rushes past her toward the poolhouse.

Sandy knocks loudly on the poolhouse door. Seth, Marissa and Ryan glance up in surprise. They are studying on the end of Ryan's bed and books and papers are scattered around on the floor.

"Dad? What's up? Why are you knocking like the police?" Seth asks.

"I need to talk to Ryan," Sandy says. Some of his anger has left as he sees Ryan interacting with Seth and Marissa.

"I'll come inside," Ryan says quietly. 

"Everything okay?" Marissa asks slowly.

"Seth can fill you in. I'll be right back," Ryan says, smiling unconvincingly at her. He doesn't meet Seth's worried gaze.

Sandy waits for Ryan outside the poolhouse. 

"You must be pretty pissed," Ryan says quietly. 

"I am a little pissed, Ryan," Sandy replies honestly. He softens his tone slightly as he turns to Ryan. "Let me see your arms."

"Just my arms? You just want to see my arms, Sandy?" Ryan asks, his face unreadable. He pulls his shirt off, holding his arms out. Sandy is startled to see handprints bruised into Ryan's upper arms in addition to the burns. "Is this enough?"

"Ryan…" Sandy is startled by the defensiveness of Ryan's tone.

"You want to see the back, too?" Ryan turns around. "You want to frisk me?"

"Ryan, calm down…" Sandy says, stunned by Ryan's bruised and scarred back.

"I don't want to calm down. I want to go finish studying without having you pissed at me," Ryan snaps. He pulls his shirt back on. "You're pissed, I'm sorry. I should have told you the first time it happened, I should have come crying to you like the little damaged punk that I am, but I didn't. I let her do it, I took it because no matter where I live or who I live with…I'm still her son."

"Ryan…" Sandy starts.

"Seth…he told me to come to you guys. He said that you would understand…but you come out here accusing me like I did something wrong when the only thing that I did was tell Kirsten about something that's always been a part of my life. The cutting…I know its wrong and I'm trying to get better and this…I know it's wrong and I want it to stop but…" Ryan stops ranting for a moment and meets Sandy's gaze. "I won't let you go after her."

Sandy is stricken.

"You try to put her in jail and I'll lie. I'll say I did it to myself and with my history, they'll believe me," Ryan whispers.

"Ryan, I don't want it to come to that…" Sandy starts.

"Don't you? You want to put her away…" Ryan whispers.

"Yes, you're right, Ryan, I want your mother to go away. Because she's hurting you." Sandy holds Ryan by the arm.

Ryan seems to deflate. He shakes his head.

"I'm sorry that I'm angry but I'm not angry at _you_…" Sandy starts. "I'm angry at her."

"I know…but if I get her in trouble…then it's really my fault," Ryan says quietly.

"No, Ryan, it's her fault," Sandy snaps.

"It's all she knows, Sandy…" Ryan whispers.

"Guys. Come inside," Kirsten says quietly, startling them both. She coaxes Ryan with a smile and a hand on his arm.

"Can I just have a minute?" Ryan whispers outside the door to the main house.

"Come on, Sandy. He just wants a cigarette," Kirsten says, urging Sandy inside. Kirsten hesitates as Ryan sits down on the patio on the ground. "Ryan…"

"I'm okay. I'm not running off…I just need a minute…" Ryan says.

"Okay, Ryan. Jackie's coming over…"

"It's like an intervention," Ryan mutters.

"No, Ryan…"

"Sorry…I'm okay."

Kirsten goes inside. Ryan lights a cigarette.

"Hey. I owe you a kidnapping," Marissa says, walking up to him with Seth.

"No, it's cool. I got this," Ryan replies.

"You're okay?" Seth asks.

"Yeah," Ryan whispers

"You sure?" Seth asks again.

"It's like…things get so twisted…I can't make sense of my own head…" Ryan whispers. Marissa kneels beside him and embraces him. He returns her hug and sighs. "Thanks."

"We'll be waiting for you in the poolhouse," Marissa says.

"Flashcards await," Seth says, helping Marissa to her feet.

Ryan inhales deeply off his cigarette. He closes his eyes and breathes smoke. 

"Hey, kid."

Ryan regards Jackie with cold eyes.

"Kirsten called me."

"She told me," Ryan replies.

"She told me about you, too," Jackie says. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Ryan doesn't reply.

"I'm here to help you, I'm not supposed to be another person for you to perform for, for you to have to hide from…" Jackie begins.

"God…I'm trying so fucking hard…it's only been, like, three times since I've been seeing her and I…" Ryan loses his voice for a long moment. "I think I deserve a little respect for telling them something this fucking personal…"

Jackie gasps in surprise.

"This was a bad idea. I'm going with it, but it was definitely a bad idea," Ryan mutters, standing up.

"Ryan…" Jackie starts.

"No. We're done." Ryan steps into the kitchen and sits down. Sandy and Kirsten glance up in concern.

"Is everything okay?" Kirsten asks. Ryan nods.

"Ryan's a little defensive tonight," Jackie says.

"That's my fault. I was a little angry earlier," Sandy replies.

"Ryan?" Kirsten calls.

"Yeah?" He answers without meeting her gaze.

"What do you want us to do about this?" She asks gently.

"I don't want to see her anymore," Ryan replies evenly. 

"Okay. You don't want to see her anymore," Kirsten repeats. "And you don't want to get her into trouble. How do you want us to go about this?"

Ryan opens his mouth to reply but he can't find any words. 

"If you want us to file a restraining order against her, I'll have to give the courts good reason…" Sandy starts. 

"Do we have to go that way?" Kirsten asks her husband. Jackie is watching Ryan carefully but he doesn't react.

"Do you think she'll just listen to us if we ask her to leave him alone?" Sandy asks her.

"I don't know, Sandy, but putting her in jail isn't exactly going to make Ryan feel like he's doing the right thing," Kirsten replies immediately.

"Guys," Jackie interrupts as Ryan bolts from the kitchen into the bathroom, closing it behind him. "Let's take it a little slower. He's shutting down…"

"He said that if I tried to prosecute his mother that he would lie and say he burned himself. He's going to do everything that he can to protect her," Sandy said slowly.

"Then we find another way. I'll pay her off, something to keep her away from him," Kirsten says in response. Her eyes are watching the hallway, anxiously awaiting Ryan to return.

"Go check on him, Kiki. You're the one he's most comfortable with right now," Jackie says quietly. Kirsten nods and goes to the bathroom door. She knocks gently. There is no answer so she tries the doorknob. It's unlocked.

"Ryan?" She calls, peeking inside.

"Sorry…" Ryan says. He's crouching in front of the toilet. "I can't take this…"

Kirsten steps inside and closes the door behind her. "I'm truly sorry, Ryan," Kirsten says and sits down beside him on the floor. 

He is shaking and looks at her with glazed, panicked eyes. "God, me too…" He takes a deep breath as she puts her arms around him to comfort him. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry I even brought it up…"

"Ryan, we want what's best for you…we want you to be okay…"

"I know…but this isn't your problem, it's mine…" Ryan starts.

"If it's your problem then it's ours by default." She releases him and gently pulls him to his feet. "Wash your face. It'll make you feel better." Ryan obeys, turning on the water in the sink. 

He dries his face and turns back to her, composed. "Kirsten. I appreciate everything that you guys have done for me…I still don't fully understand why but I…" He pauses to gather his thoughts. "The only way that I can see right now to get past this…is to…"

"Ryan, take your time. I'm listening," Kirsten soothes. He turns away, affected.

"It's all or nothing. I have to give up my mother if I want to be here. I have to let go of everything…everything that I've ever known…and I don't think that I've done that yet…I don't know if I can…" Ryan whispers.

"Oh, Ryan…" Kirsten starts. 

"So, I guess…if…if Sandy wants to have her arrested then that's it. It would solve everything. She'll be away from me, she'll hate me, and I won't have to worry about her ever again," Ryan says finally.

"Ryan, we'll work it out. I don't want you to worry about it…" Kirsten begins.

"Is that supposed to be a joke?" Ryan smiles slightly.

"No, honey, it's not. We'll talk it over and tell you what we figure out, okay?" Kirsten says quietly.

"How about you just tell me what I need to do?" Ryan asks quietly.

"No. This is too big of a decision for us to make it without you. Okay? But I think that you're too shaken right now to deal with it and I think Sandy and I are too shaken to do this without upsetting you even more, okay?"

Ryan nods sadly. "Okay."

"So, Sandy, Jackie and I are going to discuss this and you're going to go back to studying. I'll bring you guys some stuff to eat in a little while, okay?" Kirsten smiles reassuringly.

"Thanks, Kirsten," Ryan says, giving her an impulsive hug. She leads him out of the bathroom.

"Everything okay?" Jackie and Sandy are standing in the hallway.

"Yeah. Ryan's going to get back to studying so we can talk about this," Kirsten says, giving Sandy a warning glance.

"I'll be in the poolhouse if you need me," Ryan says as he walks past them and out of the door.

"Is he okay?" Sandy asks.

"He was sick, but he's better. It's a little much for him," Kirsten admits. "I told him that we would discuss our options and then talk to him."

"He was okay with that?" Jackie asks.

"Yeah. I think we need to talk about this without worrying about how our feelings will affect him. This way, we can talk to him and actually know what we're talking about. I would rather his confession be a breakthrough in his recovery than cause another breakdown," Kirsten admits.

"I knew I married you for a reason," Sandy smiles, kissing her on the cheek. 

"Just one reason?" Kirsten teases.

***** 


	8. Eight

AN: Enjoy. Thanks for the reviews and for hanging with me while I try to finish all my stories. This one isn't done but I'm happy with it. Hope the readers are as well. More to come.

***** 

"Hey," Seth glances up as Ryan steps into the poolhouse. "Everything okay?"

"Eh," Ryan shrugs, sitting down.

"That's not even a word," Marissa responds. 

"I didn't hear any yelling so it must not have been that bad," Seth says. Ryan doesn't answer, keeping his eyes lowered.

"Ryan…" Marissa starts.

"Guys, can we just study? I really don't feel like talking anymore," Ryan says quietly.

"Sure. The test is tomorrow," Seth says immediately. "And these flash cards are not working for me."

Marissa put her arm around Ryan and he tenses up before relaxing against her. "Ryan hasn't seen the cards yet. I'm almost finished, why don't you take a look?" 

Ryan accepts the stack of index cards and examines them carefully. His hands are shaking and he drops them in a heap on the floor.

"That's what I said," Seth jokes and Marissa laughs. "Just leave them."

***** 

Marissa leaves around midnight. Seth is dozing on the couch in the poolhouse. Ryan walks inside and finds Kirsten, Jackie and Sandy eating ice cream and drinking coffee.

"Hey."

"Hey, kid. Hungry?" Sandy asks.

"Not really. Thanks, though," Ryan replies.

"What's up?" Kirsten asks.

"Well, I'm really tired and I won't sleep if this is still hanging over me…this conversation, I mean. I might as well kill 3 conversations all at once right here," Ryan says.

"Have at it, then," Jackie smiles.

"Okay," Ryan sighs. "I'll call Dawn tomorrow and tell her that I'm done. If she calls again, I'll call the cops. She'll know I'm serious. That way, it'll all be over. If she contacts me again, you guys can handle it. My hands will be clean."

"Ryan, I don't know if you should talk to her…" Kirsten admits.

"I won't see her in person. But I have to say goodbye. I need…I need the closure."

"We'll try it," Sandy sighs after a long silence.

"Thank you. Now I'm going to bed." Ryan leaves.

"Well. That was…unusual," Jackie mutters.

"We'll try it, Jackie. I trust him. But I'm still filing the restraining orders and all the paperwork to adopt Ryan. But we'll do his thing as well," Sandy adds.

***** 

After their history test the next day, Seth is walking with Ryan to lunch.

"Seth," Ryan interrupts his riff on Summer's miniskirt.

"Yeah?" He glances at Ryan. Ryan opens his mouth to speak but his eyes roll back suddenly and he staggers. Seth catches him before he hits the floor but they both fall in a heap.

"Cohen?" Seth glances up and recognizes Luke.

"Can you get a nurse or something?" Seth asks. Ryan is breathing but is unconscious.

"Seth? Oh my god, Ryan!" Marissa joins Seth beside Ryan. A crowd has started to gather. Luke returns with the nurse.

"He just collapsed," Seth mutters. He slaps Ryan's face and his eyelids flutter. 

"Ryan?" Marissa calls.

"Yeah. Yeah?" Ryan slowly opens his eyes.   
"Dude, are you okay?" Seth asks. Ryan sits up slowly.

"Yeah…what happened?" Ryan asks.

"You passed out," Seth responds. "Scared the hell out of me."

"Sorry…" Ryan replies. He accepts Seth's help to get up and the nurse takes Ryan's arm and leads him to the nurses' office.

***** 

Kirsten walks into the kitchen, intending to go straight to the poolhouse to check on Ryan but she stops, hearing a voice from the den. The nurse and Dr. Kim let Seth take Ryan home and then return to school. Ryan had convinced her on the phone that he was okay. Dr. Kim had told Kirsten that Ryan had seemed tired and had fallen asleep in a couple of his classes recently. 

"I _am_ telling you the truth. I don't want to see you anymore," Ryan says. He is sitting in the den with Jackie beside him. Jackie puts her finger to her lips and Kirsten steps in.

"It's my decision…you bring me down, Ma," He says. His eyes are closed but his voice is even. Jackie's hand is on his back. He holds a phone with one hand and a glass of juice with the other. 

Ryan sighs. "If you call me again, I'll tell the Cohens everything…don't threaten me…I'm not afraid of you…"

Kirsten can't hear what Dawn yells into the phone and Ryan's face doesn't react.

"I'll tell them everything, Ma. What you're on, what you're doing for money…" Ryan pauses, listening. He opens his eyes and a flash of emotion washes across his pale face. "It's done. Just forget about me, Ma…"

Jackie and Kirsten gasp as Ryan's glass shatters in his hand. 

"Yeah. You, too," Ryan says coldly. Ryan hangs up the phone and rushes to the bathroom.

"Jackie…" Kirsten starts.

"He called me. He said he passed out at school today and that he was flipping out. When I got here, he was already talking to her. I think she called him," Jackie explains.

"Poor kid," Kirsten mutters.

"I'll go check on him. Is there a first aid kit for his hand?" Jackie asks.

"Under the sink," Kirsten nods.

Jackie goes to the bathroom and gently pushes open the cracked door. 

Ryan is standing in front of the mirror with his bleeding hand over the sink. His blue eyes are dull and distant.

"Ryan."

Ryan doesn't answer. He is staring at his hand. Jackie gently takes his injured hand and examines it. A shard of glass is hanging from his hand and she gasps.

"Sorry…" He says suddenly, pulling his hand away. He quickly pulls the shard out and drops it in the sink. 

"Ryan, let me see…" Jackie urges.

"No, I got it...I let her get to me and then I saw the blood and I just bugged…" Ryan mutters as he wraps his hand in a towel. 

"It's okay. But I want to see your hand, kid," Jackie says. She pushes him to sit on the closed toilet. She unwraps his hand and examines it.

"I didn't do it on purpose…" Ryan whispers.

"I know, Ryan. But what worries me is that you still used the pain to get through that…"

"Fuck you, Jackie," Ryan snaps suddenly. He pulls his hand away and cradles it against him. He bolts from the bathroom.

"Ryan, wait…wait…" Jackie rushes after him.

Ryan stops when he sees Kirsten in the kitchen. He glances between her and Jackie.

"Ryan, wait a second…" Jackie says gently.

Ryan turns to Kirsten. "Please…" He starts. She goes to his side and takes his arm as his body starts to shake. Kirsten turns him to face her and sees his eyes roll back slightly in his head. She takes his other arm and steadies him.

"Ryan? Ryan, what's wrong?" Kirsten asks, worried. She pushes him gently to lean against the wall as his body seems to deflate. "Ryan?"

He blinks and she can see him fighting to stay conscious. His blue eyes are rolled back in his head and she can barely see the blues of his pupils.

"Ryan, I want you to take a deep breath and look at me, okay?" Kirsten says gently. Jackie joins Kirsten beside Ryan. Kirsten releases his arms and he slumps to the floor, gasping for breath.

"Ryan?" Jackie calls.

Ryan slowly catches his breath and meets their worried gaze, clearly confused. 

"Are you okay, honey?"

"I…I got dizzy and…I…I thought…" Ryan murmurs.

"Are you okay, now? Still dizzy?" Kirsten asks.

"Yeah…a little…" Ryan admits.

"Have you been eating, Ryan?" Jackie kneels beside him and holds open his dazed eyes and looks in them. 

"Yeah…I even ate breakfast today…" Ryan replies honestly.

"It could have been a panic attack…" Jackie says to Kirsten.

"Have you been sleeping, Ryan?" Kirsten asks. "Dr. Kim says you've been falling asleep in class…" 

"I can't sleep…I haven't slept more than an hour or so in a few days…" Ryan admits.

"In days? How long, kid? When's the last time you slept?" Jackie asks.

"I don't know…a while…" Ryan mutters.

"Ryan, let's get you off the floor before Sandy comes in and thinks we attacked you," Kirsten says, giving Jackie a worried glance. She helps him off the floor.

"Can I go get cleaned up?" Ryan asks. "I promise I won't fall out again, I just want to fix my hand and wash off this day."

"Ryan…" Jackie starts.

"He's not going anywhere. Go get cleaned up, Ryan and then come right back," Kirsten says, glancing at her.

"Thanks," Ryan says. He leaves the house in a rush.

"He flipped on me," Jackie admits. "And I'm used to dealing with it, but not from him…something she said to him set him off…"

"Set him off? You don't think he's just getting hit with a bunch of stuff at once?"

"I don't know, Kirsten. But he has to talk to me if he wants me to help him," Jackie adds. 


	9. Nine

Ryan takes a hot shower and then bandages his hand. He doesn't want the Cohens to see the damage, fearing a trip to the ER. He knows it will heal. His hands are shaking as he pulls on a long sleeved shirt. He's tired. He's never been this tired. 

He hasn't cut himself in several weeks. He tries to placate his need by smoking a cigarette or calling Marissa just to listen. He doesn't mind his visits to Jackie but he doesn't believe they're helping him. He isn't sure that he can be helped. He still feels like he's dying inside his skin.

"Ryan?" Jackie's voice carries to the bathroom. 

"I'm not taking off, Jackie," Ryan calls. He doesn't comb his hair but steps out. Jackie is walking around the poolhouse with a curious expression on her face.

"Hey."

"Hey. Am I on a timer?" Ryan asks.

"What did she say to you?" Jackie asks.

"What?" Ryan asks, confused.

"Your mother. What did she say?"

Ryan doesn't respond. He isn't going to talk about this.

Jackie sighs. "Ryan, come on. Don't run away. Don't curse me out. Just answer my question. What did your mother say on the phone?"

Ryan meets her gaze. He doesn't shake. "Nothing. She didn't say a word."

Jackie shakes her head. "She said something so horrific to you that you clenched your fist so tight that you broke a glass, Ryan."

"So why the fuck would I repeat it to you?" Ryan asks calmly.

"Because you need to talk about it…" Jackie says. 

Ryan snorts.

"Kid…"

"No. I'm tired."

"You're throwing a tantrum."

"Whatever," Ryan mutters.

"Goddammit, Ryan. Talk to me," Jackie demands.

"Can't you just leave it alone?"

"No. I don't want to give you time to put your thoughts together. I want you to tell me what your mother said."

"Nothing." Ryan walks past her and sits down on the bed. 

"Ryan, please…" She sits down beside him. She looks at his face. His eyelids are drooping and his eyes are fully dilated. "Ryan?"

"She didn't say anything that I'll ever repeat, Jackie…" Ryan says quietly. He meets her gaze. 

"Are you feeling okay?"

He sighs. "I'm tired."

"Why haven't you been sleeping?"

"You're my therapist, you tell me…" Ryan mutters.

"I'm not a very good therapist for you, it seems…" She replies.

"I'd say it's not you, it's me, but it'd sound like we're breaking up," Ryan sighs. "I need to go talk to Kirsten."

"I think you need to sleep. You're exhausted. You're stressed out. Lie down. Let Kirsten and Sandy come to you," Jackie says.

"I can make it…"

"I have no doubt. But humor me this one time," Jackie says. 

"Okay. Just this one time," He mutters. "Like I believe that." He lies down.

"You're really mad at me, aren't you?" Jackie asks.

"No, Jackie. I'm really tired, though." 

She waits for him to continue but he is asleep.

* * *

Seth walks in from school and is surprised to find Jackie and Kirsten in the kitchen alone.

"What's up, ladies?"

"Hey, Seth," Jackie smiles.

"How's Ryan?" Seth asks.

"Sleeping," Kirsten replies.

"Is he okay?" Seth asks immediately.

"He…he's fine, Seth. Jackie thinks he fainted because he hasn't been sleeping," Kirsten explains.

"I don't believe you. Is he really fine?" Seth questions.

"His mom called. He was upset when he went to sleep. Sandy's with him," Kirsten says.

"Dad's watching him sleep? Creepy," Seth remarks.

"How's Ryan been lately, Seth?" Jackie asks.

"What's lately? He's Ryan…I mean, he has been tired lately. He's fallen asleep a couple of times when I was talking to him but everyone does that," Seth says. He glances at his mother. "He's smoking more, but if you tell him I told you, I'll deny it."

"Okay, Seth," Kirsten says.

"I'm going to go relieve Dad," Seth says.

Jackie turns to Kirsten after Seth closes the door behind him. "Ryan talks to Seth more than any of us."

"That's true. Ryan wouldn't tell us anything if he didn't run it by Seth first. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

* * *

"I think we should stick to the hot pink. Chino wouldn't be caught dead in it."

"Summer, Ryan wouldn't be caught dead in lipstick period."

"Hurry, before he wakes up or Cohen gets back…"

"I think this is a bad idea…"

Ryan opens his eyes and finds Summer and Marissa sitting on opposite sides of him on his bed. Summer is holding a tube of lipstick and Marissa has a blush compact. "You ladies are seriously out of line."

They both gasp in surprise and Ryan slides past them, standing up with his hands up.

"Ryan, you're awake," Marissa blushes.

"Yeah. Sorry I can't play makeup," Ryan smiles, amused. "Where's Seth? What time is it?"

"You've been asleep, for like, ever. It's Saturday. Cohen's washing his face."

"You get him with the hot pink?" Ryan asks.

"Cherry corvette red," Seth says, walking in. "Nice to see you conscious."

Ryan slaps his hand. "Thanks."

"Hey, both of you guys were just passed out. We had to do something," Summer shrugs.

"Unlike Seth, I have a sixth sense when it comes to girls putting makeup on me while I'm sleeping. I'm proud to say that it's never happened." Ryan's amusement fades from his face as he turns to Seth. "Is it really Saturday?"

"Yeah, dude. You passed out Thursday afternoon and didn't even move until this morning. Mom and Dad figured you needed your sleep so they didn't wake you," Seth explains.

"Damn. I'm going to go get a shower. It's like I'm hungover I'm so tired…" Ryan mutters.

"Hurry up. We want to go to the beach. Coop and I are in serious need of some tanning," Summer says.

"What are you guys doing here?" Ryan asks with a smile.

"Kirsten and Sandy let us in. We were bored hanging out at my Mom's so we just stopped by," Marissa replies.

Ryan puts his hand on her shoulder as he walks to the bathroom. "Thanks for stopping by. I'll see you guys in a few minutes. 

* * *


	10. Ten

__

"…Prepare myself for a war   
And I don't know what I'm doing this for  
Trying to let it all go   
But how can I when you still don't know?"  
-Damien Rice

Ryan doesn't join Seth, Marissa and Summer for the beach, he says he's too tired. He doesn't want to take his shirt off in public yet. He goes into the house and eats to satisfy Kirsten and then returns to the poolhouse to sleep more. 

***** 

_"I am telling you the truth. I don't want to see you anymore."_

"You're letting those rich bastards talk for you. Like you're their hired help. They pay you to baby-sit that freak kid of theirs…"

"It's my decision."

"It's not your fucking decision. I have a say in it, too. You're mine. You belong to me. Give me one goddamn reason…"

"You bring me down, Ma."

"What the fuck are you saying? Those people, they're twisting your head up, telling you lies about what they can do for you, can't you see that they're turning you against me?"

"If you call me again, I'll tell the Cohens everything."

"What the hell? You're going to narc on me? You ungrateful punk, I should fuck you up for even saying that…"

"Don't threaten me."

"That's not a threat, it's a fucking promise. I'm your mother, you're my fucking son and if I want to see you, I'll fucking see you one way or the other…"

"I'm not afraid of you."

"Fuck you. I can't believe you're turning on me, I'm your fucking mother! Don't you ever forget that! You're **my **son. Mine. I can get custody back in an instant, and I'd do it, just so I can remind you of your fucking place in this world…"

"I'll tell them everything, Ma. What you're on, what you're doing for money."

"Fuck you. You'd never tell them that, you wouldn't want them to know your mother's a whore, would you? You might not be their little golden boy, their little perfect son, their fucking charity case, you wouldn't want them to know how fucking dirty and worthless you are, the things you've done…you're a fucking traitor, trash, just like your father…"

"It's done. Just forget about me, Ma."

"You wish I could forget about you. You're like poison that's soaked into everything I do. You're such a fucking disappointment, always doing shit to see how much fucking damage you can cause, you're a fucking waste of flesh. Fuck. I hope you fucking die."

"Yeah. You, too."

***** 

"Ryan? Ryan, honey?" Kirsten's gentle voice snaps into his daydream suddenly. He glances around. He's sitting on the bathroom floor. 

"Ryan?" Kirsten calls.

"I'll be out in a second," Ryan replies. His hands are slick with blood. He doesn't remember cutting himself. He doesn't have a razor in the poolhouse, the Cohens make him shave in the house. 

He stands up and looks at himself in the mirror. Blood is on both his arms and is staining his shirt. 

"Are you okay?" Kirsten asks, her voice more concerned.

"Um…" Ryan mutters. 

"Open the door, Ryan," Kirsten calls.

Ryan doesn't answer, he's searching his body for wounds. The door swings open.

"Not locked…" She says to herself. She gasps when she sees Ryan.

"I don't know…" Ryan murmurs, his eyes glazed slightly. Something's wrong with him. He doesn't feel okay. He was okay earlier, but he's not okay now. 

"Let me see, Ryan. Let me see," Kirsten takes his arms and pushes up his sleeves. "What did you use? Where did you cut?"

"I don't know…" Ryan mutters, confused. He doesn't know what happened. He couldn't sleep so he remembers getting up to go to the bathroom and then he heard Kirsten calling his name. 

"Ryan, it's your hand," Kirsten says quietly.

"I don't remember doing it," Ryan murmurs.

"You didn't. Calm down, Ryan, look…" Kirsten holds his hand under the faucet and washes the blood from his hand. The hand that he had slashed a few days earlier is bleeding sluggishly. "Ryan, you didn't do it, you just damaged the scab and it started bleeding…what happened?"

"I don't…" Ryan starts, dazed. 

"You've got blood all over you, Ryan," Kirsten acknowledges. "Do you remember what happened?" 

Ryan shudders and pulls his hand away from her. "I need to get clean. I need to wash this blood off…" All his brain can tell him clearly right now is to get clean. 

"Ryan…" Kirsten protests, not wanting to leave him alone.

"I have to wash this off," Ryan states.

"Okay, Ryan. I'll be right outside. If you're not out in ten minutes, I'm coming back in," Kirsten says.

"Fine," Ryan says.

Kirsten ignores his trembling and walks out of the bathroom. She pulls out her cell phone and starts to call Jackie but hesitates. 

The bathroom door opens slightly. "Kirsten?"

"Yes, honey?" She answers immediately.

"Can you…will you call Jackie? I think I need to see her…or talk to her…" Ryan says quietly.

"Of course. Take your shower," Kirsten says, relieved. 

"Thanks…" He closes the door. 

***** 

"What's up? How's the kid?" Jackie answers, recognizing Kirsten's number on her phone.

"Not so good. He asked me to call you…"

"He asked you to call me? What happened?" Jackie asks immediately.

"He stayed home while Seth and some friends went to the beach and I came out to check on him and I found him in the bathroom, covered in blood…"

"Is he cutting?"

"Not that I could see, it was like he didn't remember, Jackie. His hand was bleeding again from where he cut it the other night and he bled everywhere…it was like…he really thought he had cut himself and he can't remember, it was like he was looking for a wound but he didn't feel the pain," Kirsten says quickly.

"Calm down, Kiki. I can't come right now, I'm across town but I want to talk to him. He really asked for me?"

"Yeah. I was about to call you but I thought that he would get mad…and then he asked me to call you…what are you thinking?"

"I don't know, Kirsten, the kid's been off the charts for the last couple of days. It could be that he's finally breaking down completely…I won't know until I see him…"

"Breaking down? What do you mean?"

"It's been building a while, Kirsten. The only reason he started therapy was because of Seth catching him cutting and I think it started him on a spiral. He doesn't have anything that's private anymore 'cause we're always checking up on him and after the other night, I don't think he can handle it anymore…"

"What should I do?" Kirsten asks.

"I could be wrong, Kiki. He could be fine…"

"I don't know…" Kirsten sighs.

"Relax. Just listen to him if he wants to talk. Don't treat him like a damaged kid, treat him like, a normal kid…"

"Okay, Jackie. I'll get him to call you as soon as he's ready."

"I'll come over as soon as I'm done…"

"You don't have to do that…"

"God, you're paying me more than my entire practice combined. Besides, the kid's grown on me. I want him to be okay, too," Jackie admits.

***** 

Ryan gets out of the shower and dresses in the clean clothes that Kirsten laid out for him. His hands are still shaking as he bandages his hand. It doesn't hurt but it is still oozing blood. 

Something's wrong. He can't seem to get a handle on his emotions. He blacked out and came to covered in blood. He's never done that before. It's almost like he needed to cut so bad that his consciousness shut down and his subconscious took over. He isn't in control. 

"Ryan? You okay?" Kirsten's voice calls from outside.

"Yeah. I'm coming out," Ryan says. He runs his good hand through his hair and steps out into the poolhouse. Kirsten embraces him with a hug immediately. He stiffens but eventually puts his arms around her and returns the hug.

"You scared me. Are you all right, Ryan?"

"Yeah," He says. "I'm all right. I'll be okay."

"You sure?" She asks as she releases him.

"Yeah. I'm just…shaky. I don't know…I don't remember what happened to my hand…" Ryan admits. His voice has dropped to a whisper. Kirsten takes his arm and guides him to the couch. She sits down beside him. 

"What do you remember?" Kirsten asks gently.

"I…I had to go to the bathroom so I got up and then…then you were calling me and I…I snapped out of my…"

"Snapped out of your what?"

"I guess I spaced out…"

"What were you thinking about, Ryan? When you spaced?" Kirsten asks.

Ryan doesn't reply. He opens his mouth to speak but closes it again. He closes his eyes. 

"Ryan?" Kirsten calls. She puts a hand on his shoulder.

"I was…I don't remember…" He replies finally.

"Ryan…" She sighs.

"I can't…" He whispers. He starts to stand up but she keeps her hand on his shoulder, keeping him sitting. She holds out her cell phone. He doesn't try to get up again.

"Jackie can't come right now but she's expecting your call," Kirsten says.

"I'm okay…I don't need…"

"Call her, Ryan. You wanted to talk to her before you got in the shower and I…she wants to talk to you, too…" Kirsten says.

"I don't…I don't want Seth and the girls to see me like this…" Ryan murmurs. "I can't…"

"You want to come inside and let me make you some tea?" She asks gently. 

"I think…I think I need to be alone…"

"I don't want to leave you alone when you're this…shaky, Ryan…" Kirsten admits.

Ryan's eyes are dull when he meets her gaze.

"Please call Jackie," Kirsten says quietly. 

Ryan takes the cell phone from her but he is shaking so badly that he drops it. Kirsten picks it up and holds it out to him but he doesn't take it. Before her eyes, she sees him regain control. He stops shaking and his eyes harden. He takes a couple of unsteady breaths and meets her gaze. "I'm okay."

"What was that?" She asks. "You were…and now…" She starts.

"I'm okay. You want me to have tea?" He asks.

"Come on, Ryan. Come inside," Kirsten says. He follows her into the house. 

***** 

Ryan sits silently at the counter drinking the steaming green tea that Kirsten makes for him. He doesn't meet her concerned gaze. She stands by the stove, watching him. Her cell phone rings and she answers it immediately. 

"Kirsten Cohen."

"Kiki? What's going on? I thought you were going to call me right back…" Jackie asks immediately.

"Hang on, Jackie," Kirsten says. She holds out the phone to Ryan. Ryan shakes his head and refuses. Kirsten sets the phone down on the counter in front of him. "Talk to her."

Ryan sighs. He puts the phone to his ear. 

"Kiki? What's going on?" Jackie is asking.

"Hey."

"Hey, yourself. What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"We're going through this again? Come on, kid. You asked Kiki to call me so you must have something to say…" 

"No, it's cool. I'm cool," Ryan mutters.

"Ryan. I want you to look at Kirsten." Jackie pauses and Ryan glances up at Kirsten. "You see how worried she is? She found you in your bathroom covered in blood, kid. Please talk to me. What happened today?" Ryan looks back down at his tea. 

"I don't know. I spaced out. Woke up and found that I had split my hand open again…" Ryan says quietly.

"Why'd you want to talk to me?"

"I…I don't know…" Ryan murmurs.

"Are you feeling stressed? Is something…"

"I don't know, Jackie. I'm sorry to bother you on a Saturday…"

"Damn, kid, you know I'd be there if I could, don't you? I want to help you but I need you to help me, too and you haven't really been doing that lately…"

"I'm sorry…" Ryan mutters.

"Stop. I can tell that you've already shut me out again, I guess I missed my window of opportunity…"

"Here's Kirsten," Ryan says, handing the phone to Kirsten and stepping outside of the house onto the patio. 

"Jackie?" Kirsten sighs.

"Did he say anything to you?"

"I got about as far as you did before he shut down," Kirsten admits. 

"Okay. I'll come by when I get back into town. Make me dinner?"

"Believe me, you don't want that. I'll order something in. Thai?"

"Mark me down. He'll get there, Kirsten. We just have to wait him out," She adds.

"I'm waiting as patiently as I can." She lowers her voice. She keeps her eyes on Ryan who is still standing on the patio. "He was shaking and he could barely talk when he got out of the shower and it was like he flipped a switch, and he was normal again. He stopped shaking and was fine…it was the creepiest thing I've ever seen," She says.

"Yeah, he's good at shutting off his emotions like that. The fact that he didn't have control when he was talking to you at first, that's new for him. Usually, he's totally controlled when he talks to us. He's starting to let his guard down around us and that's good…but like I said, he's not there yet. We can't do anything but wait and hope he comes to us…"

"Okay, Jackie. I'll keep you updated. I'll see you at dinner," Kirsten says, hanging up.

Ryan steps back inside as she slips the phone into her pocket.

"I'm sorry, Kirsten, for worrying you again…" Ryan says quietly.

"That's okay, honey. We just want what's best for you. More tea?"

"Actually, can I crash?" Ryan asks. 

"Sure. It's Saturday, you can do whatever you want…I'll tell Seth and the girls that you want some time alone. But I'll check on you in a few minutes, anyway," Kirsten smiles.

"Thanks. I'll…I'll let you know if I need anything."

***** 


	11. Eleven

__

AN: This is about done. I'm not sure yet. Maybe an epilogue later. Thanks for all the reviews and for the readers who have hung tough with me on this one. I tried to stick with inspirational lyrics using the word "go" but I had to include this tidbit since it's the song that inspired it all. "Footsteps" by Pearl Jam. Let me know what you think if you have time. Hope you enjoy!

"I've got scratches all over my arms

one for each day since I fell apart"

--Pearl Jam

Ryan wakes up with a gasp. It's dark outside and he's drenched in sweat. He doesn't remember what the nightmare was about but it doesn't really matter. It's the residual feeling from the dream that's got him shaking. He gets up and goes into the bathroom. He washes his face and runs a shaking hand through his hair. 

"Ryan?" Seth's voice breaks into the bathroom.

Ryan steps out. "Hey, man."

"What happened to you today? When we got back, mom said you needed some alone time. Everything okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay."

"You sure? 'Cause Jackie's inside," Seth says, sitting down on the edge of his bed. 

"Yeah. I figured," Ryan sighs.

"You want to talk about it?"

"No, Seth. But thanks. How was the beach?"

"Entertaining. Beach equals girls in swimsuits. Very entertaining. What happened to you?" Seth asks quietly.

"I don't want to talk about it, Seth."

"Dude, you never want to talk. I thought that was the whole point of you meeting with Jackie…to get you to start talking."

"Seth, can you just leave me alone?" Ryan asks suddenly. The poolhouse is dark but Seth can see him trembling from across the room. 

"Are you sure? You're asking me to leave but it really doesn't look like you should be alone," Seth hesitates.

"I'm okay."

"Ryan. Come on, man…" Seth protests. 

"I need you to give me some space, Seth."

"Oh. Okay. Sorry…"

"Don't apologize, Seth…sometimes I just can't be social…" Ryan mutters. 

"That's fine, dude…but you're freaking me out. You're freaking us all out…"

"Sorry…" Ryan whispers.

"We just want you to be okay, man. But you won't talk to us…" Seth continues.

"I can't…"

"Why? Don't you trust us? Don't you want to get better?"

Ryan can't handle Seth's questions anymore. He rushes past Seth and disappears down the driveway.

"Ryan! Ryan, wait!" Seth calls after him, but Ryan is running. He's running again. 

***** 

"I messed up," Seth says as he steps inside the kitchen. 

"What? What's going on?"

"I upset him. He took off," Seth says.

"He took off? Seth, what did you say?" Sandy asks.

"I…I just don't understand why he won't talk to us. Why he can't just tell us what's wrong," Seth says in frustration. 

"Some things are deeper than words, Seth. With Ryan…it's like…he's got years worth of stuff saved up…he's never had anyone to talk to before, no one that's really been interested in what he has to say…and it's hard for him to open up those gates and let all that out…he doesn't know how," Jackie says quietly.

"So what am I supposed to do? He just took off…" Seth says. 

The phone rings in the kitchen and Sandy answers it. "Hello?"

"Hey."

"Where are you?"

"Down the street. I didn't mean to take off but I had to…everything's okay, I just needed a walk…or a run…whatever…"

"So, you're okay."

"Yeah. I didn't want you to worry but I couldn't stay…" Ryan starts.

"Ryan, slow down," Sandy says quietly.

"I just need to take a walk." He hangs up abruptly.

Sandy stares at the phone in his hand. 

"Was that Ryan?"

"He's taking a walk," Sandy sighs. "He says he's okay, he just needed a walk."

***** 

Ryan walks into the main house later that night. Jackie, Sandy and Kirsten are sitting in the den. 

"Hey, kid. Have a nice walk?" Sandy asks immediately.

"Yeah. Until I had a disagreement with a wall. I think I busted my hand," Ryan sighs, sitting down in the chair beside the couch. He holds up his swollen hand. Kirsten leans over, immediately concerned.

"What happened?" Kirsten asks.

"Did you ever have so much stuff swirling in your head that you can't get it to slow down enough for you to actually think? 'Cause I can't think. I'm thinking so much that I can't anymore," Ryan says quickly.

"What happened to your hand?" Jackie asks quietly.

"I busted it. Punched a wall. I missed the guy I was aiming for, though, so that's new, right?" Ryan mutters. 

"Where'd you go?" Sandy asks.

"For a walk. I ended up down near the beach. I picked a fight with this…punk but I changed my mind before I went off on him…I don't know what I was thinking, I just needed something…I needed some kind of release…"

"So you picked a fight," Jackie nods. 

"Yeah. So. I'm back. I didn't get into a fight, I walked away…I didn't cut, I didn't snap…I just walked away," Ryan whispers.

"You walked away from us, first, Ryan," Kirsten says quietly. "You walked away from the fight and we're proud of you, but you walked away from this house without talking to us about what was bothering you…"

Ryan isn't hiding his trembling. He can't stop shaking and he stopped trying a few hours earlier. "I came back. I'm trying. It's like going against everything that I've ever known…but I'm trying…" He takes a shaky breath. "I have to try harder…but I'm trying to work this out…"

"Okay, kid. Let's take you out for a smoke," Jackie says, pulling him to his feet.

"Jackie, no smoking…" Kirsten protests.

"Doctor's orders," Jackie replies. "Besides, I need one." Jackie pulls Ryan outside onto the patio.

"I'm sorry, Jackie," Ryan whispers. He's shaking too violently to light his cigarette. She lights it for him and hands it back to him.

"What's going on?"

"I don't know…"Ryan whispers.

"Ryan. What's going on?" Jackie asks urgently. 

"I feel like I'm breaking into pieces…like I'm fragmenting into a million parts that I'll never get put back together again…" He inhales desperately off his cigarette.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Jackie asks.

"I'm here…I'm tired of running…I'm tired of feeling this way…I'm here, Jackie. And I have to deal with it. I'm ready to deal with it," Ryan says.

"You're exhausted again, kid," Jackie replies, taking a step toward him.

"I know…but it's different this time…I'll do whatever you say."

"Go lie down. Sleep. Keep ice on that hand. That's what I want you to do."

Ryan looks at her, confused.

"I'm glad that you're ready to take the next step. But you're in no state to deal with anything tonight. You have to rest. You need to rest." 

Ryan nods silently. 

"We'll work things out tomorrow, okay? Sandy and Kirsten have already invited me over for lunch and we'll talk before that. Okay?"

He nods.

"I want you to sleep. Can you promise me that you'll sleep?"

"I promise that I'll try."

"Okay, kid. You need to relax…chill. Go get ready for bed and I'll let Kiki and Sandy know that you're going to sleep."

"Can I talk to Seth first?" Ryan asks.

"He's already in bed. He was pretty upset when you ran off so he ate and went to bed. He said that he'll see you first thing in the morning," Jackie adds.

Ryan nods. "Okay. I'm going to bed."

***** 

Ryan wakes up to the sound of someone raising the blinds. Sunlight floods the poolhouse. 

"I figured that would get you out of bed," Seth jokes.

"What's up?" Ryan mumbles, still sleepy.

"You oversleeping, that's up. You're usually up with the sun but it's, like, noon and you're still sleeping," Seth remarks. He sits down on the edge of Ryan's rumpled bed and shakes it, causing Ryan to bounce to the other side. 

"You're too chipper for it to be before noon," Ryan remarks.

"You still mad at me?"

"God, Seth, I'm not mad at you. I'm just stressed out. I'm sorry about yesterday. Things…I can't seem to keep a handle on my emotions."

Seth stares at him. "What the hell are you talking about? You always have a handle on your emotions, dude. You're like one of those statues on Easter Island."

Ryan smiles slightly. "Thanks."

"It wasn't a compliment," Seth responds.

"I know. But I appreciate it anyway," Ryan snorts. 

Seth grins. "So. You seem better today."

"I feel like a huge drama queen. Like I've been fucking up my own life for the past few weeks when all I have to do is accept this…let's just say I've had my epiphany, Seth," Ryan sighs, stretching.

"Wow. Good for you. So you're back among the land of the living?"

"For the moment. Thanks, Seth. You're a good friend."

"I know. So are you," Seth smiles.

"Now. Get out of my room," Ryan laughs. "I have to get ready to face the day." 

*****


End file.
